What Do You Do When the ONE You Wanted Marries Someone Else?
“He just met her… She’s supposed to be his transitional person; she’s not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn’t want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn’t want to marry me.”
Meg Ryan’s line from When Harry Met Sally speaks for many women. Or maybe your ONE did know he wanted to get married, but started picking you apart and finding fault just when everything got really great. Then most likely his next relationship was with someone who had the qualities he perceived to be missing with you—because that is what he convinced himself he needed most.
I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but for someone with commitment issues the better the relationship the more anxiety they feel. It’s much easier for them to make a commitment to someone who looks good on paper and is a good intellectual choice, but less of an intense “love of my life” connection. One man flat out said to me, “Am I head over heels in love with her? No, but I like it that way. It works.” They had commonality, and he really liked her. She didn’t stimulate his commitment anxiety.
Many people would call that settling. Commitmentphobes think it’s smart. Did you see the movie Moonstruck? Cher’s character Loretta announced she was going to marry Johnny Camareri (played by Danny Aiello) her mom Rose (played by Olivia Dukakis) asked:
Rose: Do you love him?
Loretta: No
Rose:Good
But when she announced she was going to marry Johnny’s brother Ronny (Nicholas Cage) instead:
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta: Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose: Oh, God, that’s too bad.
What I’m trying to say is that just because someone gets married doesn’t mean they married the love of their life. You may still be their true love; you were just too scary for them to deal with. What’s most important is that you don’t allow it to make you feel bad about yourself, or prevent you from finding happiness with someone else. Your perception is your reality, so you need to decide that he settled, and even if you’re still single you’re happy, because you’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.
Both men and women get married for all sorts of reasons other than finding their true ONE. They may have been burned by love, and think it’s too painful to open up to trying again. They may succumb to the peer pressure that all their colleagues are married and it looks better professionally. Or their biological clock may be ticking and they found somebody willing to become a parent. But for someone who has unacknowledged commitment issues they don’t know how they will feel about falling head over heels in love or getting married until they do it—and their anxiety can become overwhelming.
Let’s face it; marriage isn’t what it used to be. It’s become easily expendable. The odds are against them that they will stay married till death—especially if one or both of them didn’t really know themselves (or each other) before they made any promises or vows. Sex & the City’s Carrie and Big were based on real life people. Big (who clearly had commitment issues) married a socialite after only knowing her for 5 months. Carrie was heartbroken. But in the end Big came back to Carrie finally telling her, “You’re the one.”
That frequently happens in life too. That by no means should you wait if your love married someone else! Take comfort in knowing that if he had married you first, you may have been the one he ultimately divorced. Decide that you dodged a bullet, and that you are the amazing catch that got away! Move on with your life feeling empowered.
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Donna Barnes is a NYU Certified Life & Relationship Coach and the author of Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices.. She is based on New York’s Upper West Side but coaches clients all over the world via Skype or telephone to help them find the romantic bliss they crave. She’s been the on-air Relationship Expert for ABC News’ hit series “What Would You Do?” for three seasons. She taught Bret Michael’s girls to “Rock at Love” on VH-1. And you may have previously seen her on Good Morning America, Fox News, Late Show with David Letterman, NBC’s Today Show, CBS’s Early Show and CNN just to name a few. www.DonnaBarnes.com
This is an angle I’ve never thought about. It’s so true your perception is your reality and so many of us tend to take this kind of rejection to heart and fall to pieces because of it. I like this outlook. Thanks.
When I was 14 I met the guy I thought was the one. I saw him and instantly had this feeling. We weren’t romantically involved until 15 years after we actually met, I think mostly because we found a sense of security in the fact that we’d end up together. I traveled with him and his family throughout the years and I was just a regular fixture in his life. We were out of touch for about 10 months after which we talked and he began crying. He told me that he’d been looking for me and since he failed to find me he’d proposed to a young lady. I was shocked to say the least I went to visit him for a couple weeks 8 months before he got married to spend some time with him and his family before it got awkward. I recently came back to my hometown to care for my mother and he sent a message to me through my brother to let me know his mother had been hospitalized. I have no idea how he knew (or if he knew) I was in town, because I haven’t seen or spoken to him since he got married two years ago. Plus I don’t do social networking at all so no public leads as to my whereabouts. For the past week I have seen him just about everyday a lot of the time in the company of his wife, which is the most difficult. I am so emotional about the situation and I think unconsciously I knew I’d might feel this way hence my need to withdraw from him completely once he got married. Mostly we’ve all been together in the hospital however yesterday he’d arranged a birthday party for his niece who was visiting from out of town and I really tried to be a good sport because I want to find a sincere place of happiness for him and let go of the resentment I feel about his decision. There was a point last night when I had to go outside and shed a few tears. Although he’s been in several relationships over the years we’ve known each other, I’ve never seen him with any of these girls and I was always his priority. Yesterday was the first time I ever saw him being affectionate toward someone and it was devastating to say the least. The first day he saw me when I came to the hospital he just hugged me and cried for about ten minutes. We talked for hours as it was just us in the hospital most of the day giving us plenty of time to candidly catch up. by the end of the night as I was leaving he kept apologizing and telling me he loved me over and over again. I feel horrible distancing myself from him because I am so close to his family. I also feel if I am going to honestly find a place of peace about the situation I don’t need to be anywhere around him. The feeling I had 20 years ago when I first laid eyes on him is still there & I never intended on seeing him again, but now that I have I’m in serious conflict.
I am currently dealing with this. He said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship and then he tells me that his planning on marring his ex. What in the world?
I know he’s making a bad choice but it still hurts. Oh well! NEXT!
Nothing has pacified me like this piece has. I was in a typical Carrie and Big situation. Mine was even worse as there was no definition ( always introduced as a friend), talk more of future declarations and this went on for years. It was the best and the worse to ever happen to me.
I still miss him and feel stupid for doing so. But no bad feelings, I’ve learnt my lessons and have moved on. I just dont know if i can keep this from happening again.
This post both gives me relief and breaks my heart on so many levels. I was raised to believe that people married for love, not for ease or convenience of a situation (tho, ironically, my parents married because my mother got pregnant–ANYWAY).
Four years ago, my ex of 8 months married HIS ex, because (his words), “I fell in love with the kids, but I came to appreciate her.” All these years of his marriage, he has reached out to me on a very regular basis, begging and pleading to just see me, talk to me. I blocked, ignored, berated, loathed, rejected him every step, until this year, when I had finally calmed enough to tell him that what he did was stupid, hurtful and unfair.
He claims he can’t understand my “effect” on him, and how he loses all sense of time and importance when he’s around me. I’ve seen proof of this, which is what it is. He has a LOT of responsibility and a lot of people asking for his time, handouts and money…and yet he asks to see me at the end of a long week, just to talk, maybe for no more than an hour.
But I’m tired, and I’m angry, and I know I am being snuck around like a little pick-me-up toy. Maybe he’s not using me outright…but it hurts too much to see him lately. And maybe he’s okay with marrying the “easier, more stable” woman. But I don’t want to sit on the sidelines anymore and disrespect myself while he goes and disrespects both me and his entire family. There has to be a better life than that.
I met Jen a Summer of 2004, I didn’t speak English very well at the time, no other girls had ever been friendly toward me for reasons that I ignore, I had never had a girlfriend. That day after a couple of email exchanged, because a friend of mine had told me about this U.S. missionary team that was spreading the word of God in Guatemala and he had put us in contact since I was new to the country. I was born in Los Angeles and grew up in Guatemala for 16 years. Her and I clicked instantly, she begged me to go north to Calvin and I had politely refused because I had no idea about the school system in America, considering that I was an average student in Guatemala, I couldn’t see myself attending school up there in a totally different language.
During her search for colleges she came to California, she met me at a parking lof of a McDonald’s (it was a centric place to meet) I got in the car, and she smiled, the most beautiful smile I had ever seen in my life, without hesitation I said hi and she responded in Spanish, we had such great times that week, she took me to universal studios for the first time when I had never been to an amusement park.
She went back north to MD and we kept talking every day, every single day we talked after 7 (when calls were free) and we stood up until she had to go, I couldn’t sleep, just the thought of her would make me go insane, I used to be really sad because I couldn’t be with her.
One day I decided to join the military, she told me not to do it, but I was decided, with a job like that I might have the slight chance to be with her, well… after three months of boot camp I called her and she was really happy to hear from me, and very proud that I had made it out safely, we talked for hours and she told me that she had great news for me, so I asked for the good news first. She told me that she was going to California for college and I was quiet… I was going to For Meade MD for MOS school, and on the same day she went from MD to CA and I went from CA to MD, we kept calling each other every night.
Winter came and she told me that she would be visiting her family, I was so excited it was the first night that we spent together, just talking and stargazing in the middle of the snow, it was cold but we were just cuddling and giggling, before she left I touched her nose with mine, and said goodbye, I grabbed her hand and let go slowly until her last finger slipped off my hand, and I saw her vanish in the darkness, not knowing that it would be a year and a half before I saw her again. We kept talking over the phone, she decided to date people, and it broke my heart but I was still there taking her calls at 3:00am when she got dumped, and this whole time I kept wondering why I couldn’t get a chance like that to make her happy.
Finally in 2006 she planned a trip to CA, I was excited, I picked her up at the airport and we went to Santa Barbara, we walked on the beach, laughed and talked all day long for as long as we could, toward the end I tried to get closer and grab her hand but she told me that she wanted to wait until the time was right, she was afraid that if we ended up taking the next step and failed, we would lose our friendship forever.
I left her again at the airport with tears in my eyes, and a bag of hope no knowing how long it was going to be before I saw her again, in 2009 the drums of war against terrorism were still going and my unit deployed, every time I had a chance to call I called, and wrote many emails and letters, in one email she told me how excited she was for my return, because we would finally be able to start our relationship, it had been my dream for so long that I couldn’t believe that such thing could happen to me, I planned where I was going to move, I save money for a whole year and saved my paid leave to have time to settle with her in Michigan.
Upon my return to Hawaii I called, to the surprise that she had work to do and that she wanted to do a Masters degree, I had about 6 months left in the military so we decided to postpone and I went to Guatemala instead.
When I returned to the states, she told me that in March (which was the month my contract was over) I was going to be able to move up there, she had bought a house and that I was going to be able to move in and see where things would take us, I moved to LA, packed my bags and got ready for the move, a cold Friday night of February she called me crying, she told me that she had to go to Africa for work, and that she would not be able to carry out the plan, if she didn’t go to Africa she could lose her job.
I said fine, take the opportunity, you deserve it, April went by, then June, and July, August, September, October, November, and finally in December after repeated times of trying to call her I called her house, and her mother answered the phone, she said that Jen was home, and she answered… She told me that she had met someone else in Africa, he worked in the same field she did and that they were dating.. I was crushed in a trillion pieces, I sat in the corner of my room which didn’t even have a bed, I saw my bags still packed in the opposite corner of my room and just laid there for 6 straight hours, the darkness of the night took over my room as I was still looking at the empty walls, I was so depressed and crushed with three months of paid leave looking at my walls, I signed up for school and started attending out of pure desperation.
I kept in touch in hopes that someday she would come back to me, but she didn’t, he proposed and they left to Africa where they lived for a year, they got married last July, I met someone… she took me out of the whole where I used to eat pizza all day and spend my hours contemplating suicide, I married her and here we are… I am not happy, I am living by inertia while this guy enjoys every single second of that beautiful smile, I am stuck in limbo where I don’t feel pain or joy, food has no taste, music has lost meaning and the only thing that keeps me going is my alarm in the morning reminding me that I am still alive.
Her last words to me were “I need a man of God in my life” and I had become a godless man in search for an answer, I have nothing, absolutely nothing, she took all that was inside me, and I feel bad for the person I married because I have nothing left for her, Jen eventually offered her deepest apologies and told me to not wait for her any longer, I told her that apologies don’t heal hearts or restore time lost, I told her not to talk to me again not for the sake of social commitments but for the sake of my sanity. Here I sit waiting for life to pass me by, while others hope they had one more day of life, here I wait for death to take me, and maybe on my next life I’ll be able to win her back.
This post is such a big help to me.
I was in the most wonderful relationship for 4 years. We talked about marriage in our first year but then stopped talking about it. He always implied that we would be breaking up with no future. We broke up when he moved back to his country with a 13 hour time difference. We kept in contact daily since he left. He said he wanted to keep in touch with me still. I did it as I still loved him and hoped that we could be together again. This continued for 9 months. Then he told me he wanted to ask a girl out for coffee. This devastated me. And it was like going through a breakup all over again. I couldn’t sleep or eat or function. Took me two weeks of no contact to try and make sense of it all. We re established occasional contact but on Christmas Day he called me when I called him to wish merry Xmas. He told me the coffee date girl is now serous and he will be married in 6 months time.
He said he liked this girl and things were going well. They only have had one date but The parents have already met. In the four years we dated, he never told his parents about me. His parents and her parents are conservative Muslims. He said he doesn’t love her like he loved me but he hopes in the future she will make him happy.
For past 48 hours I’ve rung and msgd him. Distraught. But last night I said my final good bye. We both cried. And wished each other happiness. Reading this article makes me truly at peace now. It answers every angry hurtful though that has been going around in my head.
Hi.
My best friend is the guy I have been in love with for over 7 years. He says he loves me, but does not want to hurt me. Anyway, he asked me whether I thought he was sexy and attractive – I asked why, and he said, “because I want to marry my girlfriend”. There relationship is weird, I mean, she is incredibly jealous, and already limits my time to talking to him. I want him happy, of course, but I feel sad. He knows I love him. I wish him all the luck in the world, but I am heartbroken. I know it is selfish, and wrong, but I thought we would have made a great couple.
I dont know what to do – do I remain a friend, or break connections?
This girl I deeply love and care for she was in a relationship that was abusive day in and day out I had to sit and talk to her to prevent suicide. Her boyfriend and his roommate day after day abused her and she refused to go to police… Sense she wasn’t capable of working and her family doesn’t care for her I told her I’d gather money so she can come live with me I told her all about how she was worth more. Did we love each other yes then finally when she leave him after the bastard cheated on her. She moved to a friends family to live with them until I could come to help her(I live in Sweden and she in UK). And right before I had enough money to come she contacts me saying she has big news…. She’s getting married… To him… The same bastard who abused he, left her in the cold for hours, made her want to die, and nearly have killed her…. He proposed to her… She said yes…..
This happened to me a few years ago. The man I fell in love with we were in a relationship for over 6 years he dropped me and married his ex high school sweetheart after she got pregnant but little did I know he was seeing both of us at the same time. I still cry whenever I think about the good times we had. I lost my best friend in a sense but I had to let him go. He called me recently and said how he missed me, he was sorry, and loved me but I no longer trust him anymore. I feel like our whole relationship was a lie but that’s life I guess and I finally changed my number and blocked him on all social media. If he truly wanted me he would have been with me………
6 years. a promise of a proposal. we would tie the knot in a small private ceremony in thailand, just the two of us.
then suddenly he pulled the rug from under me. not even a year later and his proposed to some other woman.
shattered but i know i will get through this.
I guess I’ll tell my story since this is the only place I feel I can. A year and a half ago I met a man. There was this intense attraction between us the first time our eyes met. When we first communicated, we talked on the phone. He said he had an attraction instantly before even meeting me in person. We did this back and forth thing. He was deeply religious and I was not. I know his parents would be upset with him dating someone outside of his church.
That and we were from different worlds. He grew up very wealthy. I grew up poor and have the emotional scars from a life of poverty and living in a broken home. I made t half way through college, but I was severely depressed after my mom overdosed. So, I wasn’t fully educated. I lacked the sophistication that his family would approve of. But, I said…why not at least try.
For a few months, there was flirting and I could tell he was so scared of rejection from me. I competed in beauty pageants and later worked as a model. He was the nerdy type, and I feel like he never thought he had a chance with someone like me. The last day I saw him…I almost told him how I felt. Our eyes met and I could hear the desperation in his voice. He wanted to say something too, but I was so scared. I’d been hurt by other men. He kept asking me personal questions about my life. I could hear his fear. And then I left.
I searched him on Facebook once I found it in me to say something. But, by then, it was too late. He already started dating someone from his church. His parents seem to love her, and she was in grad school. I could see that she came from a loving family that wasn’t broken like mine, and she was so happy.
I never got to tell him how I really felt, and today he is getting married. For a moment, I hoped maybe it wouldn’t happen. I hoped that maybe she’d leave him or he’d leave her. But, now I’m just numb. I’m glad he’s found someone that makes me happy even if I’m so envious of this woman. I know I will probably never see him again, but I still think of what could have been. I know I’ll move past this, because I don’t have a choice. But, it’s hard.
They always says that the good guys never get good looking girls, because good looking girls date jerks. I settled for jerks before this man, because my mom and grandmother beat out any self worth I had. I finally find a good guy, and I’m so broke from abuse to be confident enough for him.
I just hope he’s happy. I hope she treats him well. And I only want the best for him.
I was involved with a guy for about 4 years.The first year and a 1/2 he was also dating another girl.He seemed to often choose her over me which hurt a lot. Then one day he started coming around and stayed,I found out later that the other girl had left town.We had a good relationship for about a year and I got pregnant.I decided I was too young to have a kid and he was willing to marry me and take care of the child.I aborted our baby.About 6 months later I broke up with him why I don’t know I just wanted to be free.I kept in touch and saw him every now and then.This went on for about a year and 1/2. I was ready to tell him I was ready to come back and much to my dismay I find out this other girl is back in town and he had not left her side since she returned.I stopped by and tried to tell him she was no good for him but he told me he was planning to have her move in and if things worked out they would be married.Everyone says she is the love of his life….I thought I was? This year makes 30 years ago that this happened.I ended up married 2 times a few kids and am alone again.I still find it hard to get over.I tried to kill myself after he told me that and my Mom called and told him and he never called or came to see me like I meant nothing to him?
I had a relationship I can’t get over. Jesus Christ its hard. He got married to someone much plainer because he couldn’t “handle all the attention” I was getting. I was a swimsuit model. So he ran off with someone else he felt he could handle.
So now, 10 years later we are back in touch, both sort of going through the motions with our respective marriages,never having really found our kind of love with our spouses…..
Its extremely deadening sometimes. Knowing the love of your life is with someone else, not able to be faithful to her because of his love and want of you….but neither can do anything about it.
Anyone alive on this post and need to talk?
I was loving my girl from past 9 years but now :,-(
This is my story as well. I was long distance with my soulmate, and there were a few hurdles to get over before we could be together in his country. Then he met a woman from his city, and before I knew it, they were together — I learned about it weeks and weeks after the fact (he says he didn’t want to hurt me and didn’t know how to tell me). When I begged clarity, he simply said “I don’t love her, I’m not attracted to her, but I think she’s comfortable and will make for good conversation when we’re both older.” Two years later, I’m still alone and still reeling, and he still calls me 3-4 times a day, texts me 20 times a day, emails me 30 times a day. We’re soulmates and none of it makes any sense.
10 years. I did everything. He’s far from perfect but, I love him.
When I say everything, I mean everything. However, I am not Muslim. I am sure that’s the biggest issue. I am tired of thinking, tired of writing, tired of reading. I never ever thought I would put myself in this situation. And look at this..I am here. WTF. I am in a foreign country, working in a stupid job (came here for him) and he is with some other chick he is planning to marry.
So much effort, so much of my life, so many thoughts, hopes, money, energy…and nothing. Like nothing ever happened.
life.
10 years ago I asked out a former co-worker after I became re-acquainted with her.
I developed romantic feelings for her that I didn’t have a few years before. I came to see her as a beautiful young woman with an exotic foreign look and a great person. We had worked together for some three years. Finally I ask her out, she says “I’m not gonna have the time” because she was gonna go back to continue her health care education. I keep talking and talking to her hoping to change her mind but I can’t get her to budge. I see her again a few days later and I try again but same story. That is the last time we would actually see each other.
A few years later I friend her on myspace and then a few years later on Facebook. She was always kind to me on both myspace and FB e-mail exchanges over the last several years so I know she wasn’t turned off by my interest in her.
I’ve been wanting to approach her again thru Facebook these last several years but didn’t because I am long term unemployed despite the fact I have a Bachelors and I wanted to wait until I could get my career off the ground first. I didn’t want to approach her, or any other woman, while unemployed.
A year ago I saw on her FB page she is engaged and the wedding took place a couple weekends ago. I am heartbroken. My mother says that I “just asked her out at the wrong time.” Well, you really don’t get to choose when you ask someone out.
What’s eating me up is I feel like I never got a chance. Someone else got the chance, and they went in and married her. She’s only known the guy for two years, she knew me for six years when she turned me down for a date! It’s so unfair.
It’s going to take a long time for me to get past this.
I saw the line above:
you are the amazing catch that got away! Move on with your life feeling empowered.
I saw this article today and that one line made feel so much better. I AM the catch that got away! And I can move on feeling empowered.
But it’s going to take awhile………
OMG there are so many heart brokens out there and i thought no one would ever feel what I’m feeling right now, the man of my life that i dated with for 3 years with who i had the bet moments of my life travelling to different places hearing that we will have 3 children crashed at one moment. I waited for this guys for 2 years with a sweet LDR talking everyday on skype and waiting for that moment till we meet again, at that time I was studying in South East Asia and he was in Europe, we decided to break up as it felt like we will never meet again and he wasn’t so enthusiastic as he was before, we blocked each other everywhere to make it easy through our break up, after 6 months of thinking that one day he will be back with more serious intentions I went to his FB profile through my friends phone and found out he got engaged, only after 5 months since we broke up, I never felt this broken in my life and he is holding her hand as if she was the one who desired the whole his life, she posted a pic saying ” My Life” and I’m just thinking he is my life too and its not fair i waited for 2 years being loyal never letting any guy around me and in the end all the struggle didn’t pay off.
I Googled about this topic because this is the situation I am in right now. I dated a guy in 2012 to mid 2013 on and off. When I finally decided to leave as I accepted a new job to a different state, I told this guy. I didn’t know he will be heart broken. He finally admitted he loved me, but I am already out the door. We just fought continuously because he was so mad at me for leaving and he left to work outside the US after what happened but then moved to LA after a few months. We stopped talking until last April 2016, I decided to send him an email that I am in LA for vacation. We decided to see each other, and just like that, we became intimate again and we kept in touch the whole weekend I was in LA. I was really happy at that time. We made a promise that we will keep in touch. I moved outside the US for a job. We were writing each other until I told him that I still love him. He said that he can only love me if I am physically in LA with him, otherwise it will not work. I was heartbroken. I said something mean and he blocked me on WhatsApp, and other possible means of communication except Viber. So yesterday I suddenly missed him. I sent him a message to let him know that I was thinking of him. He came back with nasty messages telling me that I treated him like trash, I am an a-hole, and that why I am expecting a different result with the same actions. I asked him to explain why he is angry at me like that. He said that he is getting married and he doesn’t want the girl to know that I am still messaging him. He told me to go away and find somebody else to love. I broke into tears but I managed to congratulate him and wish him well and promised that I will leave him alone. He blocked me again. Then after a few minutes he unblocked me. (I know right, I was checking..I am crazy in love with someone who doesn’t love me.) Then he unblocked me in all the apps and change his status to bound to the country where I am at. I am an educated woman but when it comes to love, I felt the dumbest. I haven’t dated anyone since May because I thought that one day, the man that I love will come back to me again and he will love me the same way as I do. Now, this guy decided to make me feel miserable. I now wonder if he is really getting married or he was just trying to make me sad or whatsoever.
There’s a lot of broken hearts in this thread. Thank you for sharing your stories. The most important thing is we are not alone and that the sorrows will go away.
I am happy to be single and I don’t plan to settle for convenience. I still believe in love! Xoxo.
I have been single for a long time and dated a few times throughout. I focused on my son, career and hobbies. I always thought maybe love wasn’t in the cards for me and I was accepting the fact that being single wasn’t as bad. Everything changed when I met him. He crossed my life unexpectedly. He appeared at a time I felt strong with an overwhelming amount of self confidence and independence yet unsure whether I would have the opportunity to ever feel true love in this lifetime. My past was full of lies, a one time physical assault and hurt but I valued myself enough to end those situations immediately. I didn’t know what love felt or if I was capable of loving someone else. I got to know this man and to my surprise, I opened up naturally and slowly. He showed me how it felt to be cared for, protected and nurtured. All this time I depended on myself and receiving the amount of kindness he showed me was priceless. As cautious as I was, this man was simply different. Within the first month of dating, he told me he was falling in love with me and so was I. He felt genuine and we shared a very deep connection that I have never experienced before. Was this what love felt like? He then talked about marriage and as hesitant as I was, I found comfort in his direction he wanted for our future. I felt this could be the man I was waiting all this time for. Three months into the relationship, I made the biggest mistake I could have done. I knew that at his pace and how things were developing, he would propose. When that time came, I wanted to be certain and therefore that was my justification for checking his phone one day. I never felt the need to but I did that time out of fear or the needed reassurance from a scarred past. I saw some things that were enough to feel betrayed, hurt and utterly disappointed. Everything after that came with confusion and the only clear thing was the love I still felt. My heart was in pain but my mind was strong enough to decide I had to continue to value myself. We didn’t last long after that. So many promises about our future. So certain I felt he was the one. A love so strong I thought was pure. I stopped talking to him and months later, he reached out for the holidays. A simple hello and hope all is well. It took me back to how it felt to be in his arms. He wanted to be friends but I never received closure for the pain I felt. I was loyal to this man yet ended in deceit. I couldn’t remain friends for my own sanity. Shortly after, I get word his dating someone new. Six months after, he’s engaged. It’s been two yrs now and I find myself thinking about him from time to time. I miss him. Many what ifs and unanswered questions run through my mind. Losing all contact has helped me to move on. Some days, like today, I sit quietly wishing our time together would have had a different outcome. I wonder if he ever did love me lie he said he did. Someone once said, if it was true love, it’ll return. He never did or did he when he tried to reach out to me but I was too hurt to even try. That question has stayed with me. I know I have to let go. I know I made the right choice at that time but I wished he would have never let go as he promised he wouldn’t. If he knew I still miss him, if he knew how genuine my love for him was, if he knew that despite all this time and how dismissive I was of him, I secretly prayed he would fight for us and that all I needed was a bit of time to fully forgive. He now is living the promises he once gave me with someone else. I’m here still single and the few dates I have gone on, do not compare how he once made me feel. Our paths may never cross again but he will always hold a special place in my heart. I remain hopeful and decided to not look for love. Instead, I yearn for the day it finds me unexpectedly how this man once did.
I’ve been involved with someone for 14 years. When we first met, he was technically married to someone with whom he had lived for only a few months 8 years before I met him. They just hadn’t bother to get divorced. But he was also living with another woman. I’ve known him 14 years now and I tried twice to live with him. He made me miserable both times. SO I don’t live with him any longer but we see each other now and then. He went back to living with the woman with whom he was living when I met him. That was fine with me. Then he told me she was bothering him to get married. He said he didn’t want to. I told him to go ahead and do it, I didn’t care. I told him it wouldn’t change anything. I understood he would only be doing it to get some security. So not quite two weeks ago he married her. And came over four days later to give me a Valentine. I am so bothered that he got married. I don’t want to admit that to him because I told him to go ahead. WHY do I care?
4 years ago I fell in love with a man. We where friends for the first two years and whenever I was in his State we would always hangout. One day before I left to go back home I told him that I really liked him and would love if he came and visited me in LA. He told me he would try if he could get the time off school. We kept in touch for the next six months and I flew to NY to spend a week with him. What I did not know is that he had just started dating a girl living in the Dominican Republic… after I left his house to go back to LA are friendship went downhill, I confessed my love to him but he never appreciated it. We continued to see each other on and off for the next two years. We even went to Europe together. All the time he was still in a relationship with the girl in Dominican Republic. Finally this new year I gave him an ultimatum and said that I could no longer go into the new year like how I spent the last two years with him, he asked me what I wanted to do, I told him that I did want to be with someone else. He told me to do that then… we didn’t speak for months, until one day I messaged him and told him that I would be back in NYC for the summer, and that I wanted to see him. Everything seemed fine until I messaged him a month later and told him that I was still going to be in NYC, he then told me that he was going to DR for 2 months on business. I told him that I would go to DR too, and he told me that was fine. However a few days later I asked him if he was going to DR to get married and he told me yes. I asked him if he plans to bring the girl to America and he said probably in the future, I also asked him whether his mother would be attending the wedding and he said no because she is working. I asked him if his mother had met the girl and whether or not she liked her and he ended the conversation and told me he would speak to me later as he was busy. I then contacted his brother who apologised for the actions of his brother and told me that he believed the relationship was real and that he’s brother is happy so he is happy for him. But to me nothing makes sense… he has kept this girl hidden from everyone, his mother is not attending the wedding and the girl is 10 years younger than him. I really do believe that she loves him because he is American and he seems to have money and he can take her out of her country. But I loved him even though I know he doesn’t have money, he doesn’t have a job and he’s on medication. I fell in love with him before she even knew him but he chose her over me… sometimes I wonder whether I am too educated, too smart, too successful and too much of a woman for him. All I ever wanted to do was love him and take care of him I would never leave him. The girl he is marrying has no idea who she is really marrying… but when she learns I wonder whether she will stay by his side or leave him for the next best thing… I wish them all the best, he missed out on real love. Broken, but this time I am stronger, I deserve so much better.
I was riding the b1 bus to the f train. A tall man who looked like a boy approached me. I was very pleasantly surprised that someone seemed so interested in me because that was a total aberration from normal, everyday life. I had to get to the f train, and he offered to walk me. I remember hugging him before we parted. What happened in intermedum is kind of foggy because this was back in October through November, 9 years ago now. At some point he asked me to hang out with him in his apartment he shared with a roommate. He said his roommate was trying to sleep, and told me I was too loud. He then shows me this movie called Teeth which is about a girl with sharp teeth in her vagina, who goes around gnawing off guy’s junk. After the movie, we wind up in his room because he has to get ready for work. I am seated, and he starts to tickle me, but I can’t feel anything. I pretend I do, but I tried to make it clear to him that i didn’t like it. He continues getting ready I guess, and I am looking around. I opened one of the drawers because I am too curious for my own good. He tells me not to do that because his previous girlfriend’s medicines are still in there. Right then and there I should have said this date was nice, but I don’t think we can do this again. I don’t think relationships on the rebound can work usually, and we are a testament to that. Anyhow, eventually says to me “I am about to do something that could be dangerous” or something like that. He grabbed my face, gently and firmly with his hands, and kissed me. I liked it, but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what he meant when he said what he said, and I should have had the sense to ask him, but I only even started asking questions at 27.
From November and on things would decline, which was very much my own fault in many ways. He should have done better himself too though. What does it mean when two mediocre people fall in love? It means it’s the most futile, meaningless effort. I remember one night he calls me up to tell me he’s at a party in Queens, and I say “that’s nice”. What else am I supposed to do? Fast forward to the beginning of 2009, and I am hanging out with some friends from college. He says “it sounds like you are busy” and I say a very curt, tight lipped “yup”. I felt bad, but I couldn’t shake this feeling I had. I had a feeling that he was jerking me around, but I guess I couldn’t bring myself to admit it. One message I remember him saying “I’ve been so busy” and I just remember thinking I guess too busy to call. I would eventually find out a couple of years after that message that the reason he was so busy was because he and his ex were living together again, but he wouldn’t tell me until a few months after the fact that they were. We were going to Spring semester at college, and we’re kind of just floundering around. We totally ignored each other even though we knew the other one was there. I had my reasons for doing all of the things I did. I made a point of telling him from the start that I had some mental issues. Perhaps he didn’t take me seriously or he couldn’t believe it because I was going to college after all and seemed functional by outward appearances. I felt it was totally unfair that he showed me so much lustful passion, and then went back to his ex, who he didn’t really love. I know that I was not a catch, but I do think he was a bit cruel to me. The one thing that will surely fuck me up is when I feel like I am being rushed or my time’s running out. Of course I find out on his now girlfriend’s Facebookk that they are engaged. I did not take it with poise one could say. I posted the most awful poem one could write (it was literally terrible), where I said I hated him. I didn’t mention him by name, but he deleted his Facebook after that, and that alone says a lot about him. I did hate him because I felt Like he was fucking with me.
I know he didn’t really love his wife, and I don’t know if he ever truly cared about me. I know in some ways I made this impossible, but the thing that really gets to me is that he decided to punish me. I don’t think he meant to, but that’s what happened. He decided to marry his wife , and I would never get the chance to clear my name and reputation, and on top of that I would be longing for his touch and voice. I would never get any of that though. Definitely don’t believe guys who say “I am not like most guys”. Perhaps they really want to believe that so they can be with the girl that gets them hot, but when push comes to shove they’re as good as anyone else, which is not very good at all. He was just like so many others in my life, and took me just at face value.
I think my ex’s problem, along with so many other men, is that they never learned how to be men. The funny thing is that had he confronted me about my shitty poem, he would have found out that I was a scared, weak child who didn’t want to feel like a second option. He probably would be happier today had he reached out to me in the most difficult time. I am not saying that he would have wound up with me, but he wouldn’t have wasted his and his now ex-wife’s time. Oh well, such is life sometimes.
I’m not letting go of my wife Rose and never will. So unless you can whoop my tail and treat her better than I have don’t try it. I’m not best to her but not worse I just don’t want anyone else to get her.
I also had someone I loved and he married someone else. We were together for 2 years then broke up and he married someone else and was with her for 15 years. Recently he has called me and come back into my life, wanting to be together. I can’t forgive or forget. he says they were more like buddies but how can that go on for the long? Especially after they divorced after 10 years and still were together??? Even though they were divorced, he chose to stay with her. He tells me I am his one love, but I cannot trust him or let him into my life after all these years. is this wrong? I am so confused. Can anyone shed some light on this?
I thought i was the only one going through this pain, i thought it’s because i’m not educated to his level,i’m not from a rich family ,i’ve got two kids ,i’m not beautiful enough ,maybe i’ts my cellulite and silver stripes,maybe i wasn’t holy enough because his a Chaplain/Priest . I found out 2 days ago he got married via social media post pictures and it hurts like hell , i’ve been waiting and praying for this relationship ,waiting for him to find time to call me or at least send a text message ,he was forever so busy with his work but he managed to when he wanted to sleep with me , i guess that’s all i ever was to him , a booty call , i’m beyond angry ,i’m bitter ,why do bad people always get their way ,does God love me ,does he care ,why do i have to see him so happy , i wish i could say she’s ugly but she’s gorgeous, beautiful and they look good together ,that is what makes me feel and wish i could stop breathing and die but i’ve got my two boys and they love me and i have to fight to keep my head up and smile through my pain for them .I wish i could be happy for him but for now please let me wish karma on him ,i hope he hurts so bad that he never takes a walk in public.Maybe someday i’ll be able to forgive but not today ,cos he took my love and my faith and he crushed them right in my face.
I am so glad I came across this article. “Love of my life” literally had me take him to Hawaii for his bday while we were trying to rekindle – stopped talking when we got back and married someone in 6 months from family pressure- I wanted to die and it literally hurt so bad and it’s been 6 years and the person I dated after that also broke up and married someone last month so I didn’t know what to make out of that .. I mean it seemed like something is seriously up with me because I’ve never heard anyone go through this and it would make anyone feel vulnerable and worthless. Last few weeks I’ve been feeling so down thinking hey my last ex didn’t even call me when my mom passed away so why am I so upset but honestly the fact that they found someone right after me and married them makes me feel like a certain way. I do hope to move on but it’s not easy to come out of this type of mental fk but this definitely helped. Thank you for writing this amazing piece.
Hi, this is so traumatic and emotionally painful. Are you currently doing some growth work around this? If not I do hope you get involved in breakup recovery counseling, or at the very least take advantage of our ineedmyexbackdrnoble.blogspot.com/2018/08/urgent-love-spell-to-fix-your-broken.html. Either one can walk to you through this experience and teach you the specific skills and strategies you need to detach yourself from this relationship, learn how to stop obsessing about your Ex, release the pain and anger, heal and grow, and move on.
I wish I could solve this for you in a simple reply, but the truth is that your healing is going to be a process, not an “event.” There’s work to do, and putting it off will only prolong your pain and suffering.wish you all the best