The shock of being threatened with a knife by his twenty-three year old wife Charlene hit Jackson really hard.
He arranged a separation from Charlene to recover, and to begin to feel safe again. The toughest moments came when he wanted to hear her voice that had encouraged him so often. Growing up in a home with a devouring mother who put him down when he wanted to think and act on his own behalf, he was attracted to Charlene’s adoration and constant attention. Sure, she was volatile – calm and caring sometimes but insatiable and stifling at others. But now, he was seeing another side of her, and feeling as abused as he had when he lived at home with his parents.
Not long after the threatening incident that led to the couple separating, Jackson discovered that Charlene had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). He was furious and felt he had been duped. Yet Jackson couldn’t stop wanting to talk to Charlene and meet up with her from time to time. He didn’t know how to get the more nurturing parts of Charlene that he needed to keep his confidence and spirit up, and how to be safe from her verbal and physical abuse.
Having a relationship with a BPD partner is like living in two worlds at the same time as Jackson discovered. It was heaven on earth when Charlene made him feel like he was the only thing in her world. When she was feeling attracted to and attached to Jackson, he was the ‘good’ guy. But when she was empty and desperate for him to fulfill the promise of being her idol, she would taunt him and nag at him until he focused solely on her. At those moments he was the ‘bad’ guy, withholding from her, making her feel as if she didn’t exist.
The Essential Relational Problems That BPD People Live With
Otto Kernberg gives a useful description of a BPD person’s “splitting” defense in his book, Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism . He describes how they split themselves up into empty/bad and full/good parts, and do the same to their loved ones. When Jackson was doing the dishes or working on an illustration for his client, Charlene felt empty and therefore made Jackson into the ‘bad’ guy. But when he was attentive and focusing on her, he was the ‘good’ guy, filling her up again.
It’s exciting for Charlene to put pressure on Jackson to walk out on himself and join her in her state of anxiety and emptiness. She wants him to blur the boundaries and become part of her. That’s so satisfying. But as soon as he needs to be his own person again, she gets enraged and threatens to hurt him.
Why Can’t People with BPD Stay Full and Remember That They are Loved?
BPD adults have missed out on two essential developmental experiences that affect all their attachments.
- They can’t feel you and hold you as a constant loving being in their mind’s eye. You are either ‘good’, ‘bad’ or ‘absent’! It’s called a lack of object constancy. So when Jackson went for a walk with Charlene just before they were preparing dinner the night of the threatened attack, she felt him as the good person, present with her. But the moment he wanted to do something else while she was preparing the dinner he became the ‘bad’ person, abandoning her and making her empty again.
- They have trouble imagining your intentions and needs. It’s known as trouble mentalizing. According to this theory of BPD, put forward by Bateman and Fonagy in their book, Psychotherapy for BPD, when Charlene gets angry that Jackson wants to do something else as she prepares the dinner, she cannot imagine that he may need the rest room, or need to check messages on his work e-mail, or just need to read a trade magazine. She imagines only that he is tired of her and wants to get away – hence the rage and threats. Mentalization based treatment is very successful in helping people like Charlene control their extreme feelings by learning how to read the intentions of their loved ones.
Jackson and Charlene didn’t stay apart for long. They had short periods of separation and reunion in waves. He needed her to make him the center of her universe and a worthwhile person who was necessary to her life – all the things he never got from his parents. She needed him to make her feel that she was better than his mother and could provide him with support, ensuring that he would stick around. It became a co-dependent relationship. It’s on the foundation of co-dependency that many relationships involving a BPD person and a narcissistically wounded person (Jackson) survive.
Finding Stability
Introducing structure and predictability really helps couples like Charlene and Jackson.
- Make specific times to be together with no other intrusions for short spans, so that Charlene will ‘know’ she isn’t abandoned or unloved and start poking Jackson to attend to her. It helps with the difficulty she has with ‘object constancy.’ Spell out the details like from ‘6pm-6:30 pm is sharing our day together time. Jackson starts talking first and Charlene listens for 3 minutes, then vice versa.’ It may sound calculated but in my experience BPD partners use the entire time to either vent or dig at the other for information to prove loyalty. Structuring the talking-listening makes the encounter satisfying for both.
- Plan to do things together during those times that bring both of them together in a world called ‘us’ – so that Jackson doesn’t feel he has to give up his world to be engulfed by hers, and so that Charlene learns that other worlds exist that include her.
- Engage in regular and constant ‘check ins’ with each other – saying out loud what you are feeling and thinking in the moment. It works by giving feedback about what is going on inside Jackson so that Charlene doesn’t go to her usual abandonment story. Jackson’s saying things like, “I’m really tired after that walk!” will help Charlene appreciate that he doesn’t want to lie down because he is tired of her, but that his body needs a rest!
- Have a network of friends outside the relationship. Family relationships are bad for both parties, so friends and colleagues become crucial in helping the couple avoid co-dependency that fuels the cycle of instability.
- Encourage your BPD partner to write down their feelings while you are not in the same place together. So if Jackson is at the Gym and Charlene is doing laundry at home, she might get anxious that he is meeting someone new and won’t ever come home. Writing down those feelings at the time and then sharing them later is a very effective tool to control volatile feelings and discuss them later when reality proves the anxieties unfounded.
Writing the feelings down helps settle the turmoil and release it in a coherent manner. It engages the more rational part of the brain with the emotional centers and helps the BPD person to get grounded and then do a reality check. It’s much less likely that when Jackson comes back from the Gym, Charlene will attack him with her unprocessed anxiety and fear of abandonment.
In my experience of working with couples where one person has BPD and the other is narcissistically wounded (the common combination of attraction) they agree to these five core stabilizing suggestions and use it for a short while. As soon as stability is created, they abandon the scheme and the whole cycle of volatile emotions, safety-issues and fear become center stage again.
Dr. Jeanette Raymond is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in Los Angeles. She is the Author of: Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize fear of intimacy, and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.
More Relationship Advice
Advice – Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Healthy & Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships: Where do you fit in?
Borderline Personality Disorders and Relationships – Alluring Yet Volatile
The Importance of Knowing Personality Types in Relationships
Dealing With Unrequited Love
Eight Great Courtship & Dating Questions to Ponder
Hi I have been diagnosed with BPD, BiPolar and PTSD and I have been seeing someone for 10 years. He was married when we first started dating, divorced 5 years later after wife filed. He moved out of state in June 2012 for a job transfer and I ended up with an abusive ex for two years but the first boyfriend never left me alone. I just found out a month ago that he actually remarried in April 2012. He continues to lie about the new marriage and wont discuss it. We still see each other but only at hotels for a couple of days at a time. I haven’t ever gone anywhere with him except out to eat and to nice hotels in ten years. How do I leave him alone. I’m not happy. I haven’t been in such a long time I can’t even remember when. I know it’s unhealthy and I feel like I’m dying inside but I continue seeing him. What do I do? I’m 43 years old and I’ve now wasted over 10 years of my life. I need help!
Its sounds like you answered your own question. Your unhappy With the situation, right?
You haven’t wasted 10 years of your life though. You made a poor decision.
This is coming from a 29 year old.
Im dating a woman, 42 wth BPD and its hard.
You’d be surprised at who you can meet if you look around you…move on.
He has a life. His life isn’t yours, don’t let him use you for sex. Your better than that.
Yikes! While admirable that Dr. Raymond feels there is hope for couples when one partner has a serious personality disorder, these 5 steps seem overly simplistic. If someone ever threatens you with a knife, no matter how much you love him (or her), get out of that relationship and seek counselling.
Those afflicted with personality disorders often don’t care how their behavior impacts others, and therefore are unlikely to respect the strategies outlined in this article. For example, you may suggest that from 6:00-6:30 is sharing your day together time, but he may or may not even show up. Respect for you and your time is not usually high on the list for those with these disorders. If he doesn’t show, he’ll find a way to make that YOUR fault.
Feeding his need for constant attention by regular check-ins creates an unrealistic expectation. One perceived or actual missed/late check-in will result in huge consequences and accusations, as will a check-in at a time deemed inappropriate or inconvenient for the disorder sufferer.
Networks outside the relationship are indeed important for support and balance, but they are also fuel for insecurity and paranoia.
Having him write down feelings maybe be helpful for you to understand him IF he is honest about them, but proof means very little to someone who is not rational, so “discuss[ing] them later when reality proves the anxieties unfounded.” is unlikely to happen. He will not accept that his anxiety was unfounded regardless of proof (especially in the case of narcissistic personality disorder where the afflicted believes he is never wrong).
Again, while I understand the desire both to help someone with a personality disorder, as well as to save a relationship with someone you love, common sense must prevail. If he (or she) threatens you with a knife, gun, fist or anything else, you owe it to yourself to protect yourself and any others (e.g., children) who may be affected. Involve he law if you have to. Consult professionals if you need to but it is not up to you to make all the sacrifices and take all the risks. It is up to you to protect yourself.
I find this article highly insulting to those in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder. I was in a marriage with a cluster b, and spent 20+ years reassuring, dedicating time, and constantly “checking in”. No amount of love, communication, or reassurance was enough on my part. Nor were the attempts at healthy boundary setting. Usually these people cannot be filled up by another person. Ultimately one will realize that the relationship is toxic and one-sided. That’s when the healing will begin and life can start again. Without the unhealthy relationship.
The bitterness in some of these comments is astounding. My experience of living with, and loving, a partner with BPD is very different:
H was diagnosed with BPD roughly around the time we met. Two years later, after becoming friends, we chose to get together. Seven years after that, we’re still together, and still going strong. We both understand her condition, we both live with it, and we both deal with it.
It’s true to say that, sometimes, it’s like having a third person in our relationship, but that’s how BPD works… sometimes. Other times, it’s not even in the room.
BPD is a diagnosis, but it’s not a catch-all. It doesn’t define anyone any more than being “black” or “American,” or “Christian,” does. This article is subjective, as are all the comments left after it (including this one).
I have a loving relationship with my girl-, and best, friend, first and foremost. We talk, we live, we love and, most importantly, we trust.
You know what? Hasn’t failed yet – I feel the same about H as I always have, BPD or no.
I found Rae’s comment to be most helpful… Thanks, Rae!
This is an over simplified version of BPD. You need 5 out of 9 criteria for a psychiatrist to diagnose BPD. Nowhere does it state WHICH 5.
That means there are over 236 possible combinations of symptoms and even that doesn’t take into account that people have MORE to their personality than just BPD symptoms. BPD sufferers do not JUST have BPD symptoms in their bundle of personality traits.
YOU CANNOT STEREOTYPE A BPD SUFFERER!! There are so many types and variations both in symptoms displayed and intensity of those symptoms. Some also have those symptoms but they are unconscious or hidden becausr they cause the very abandonment they fear the most and they know it.
PEOPLE ARE COMPLICATED BEINGS!! STOP STEREOTYPING AND ENCOURAGING DISCRIMINATION!! In my experience the BPD sufferer who gets so angry they threaten someone physically is RARE (I’ve never come across it) so this is scare mongering. Sorry but it is.
I have bpd and can not help but to “label”this article as generalizing and see it as a very subjective matter .I am not saying this article is a lie but it is always the best to be as open minded as possible when an individual writes about this very complex condition.Every individual with bpd are different.We have different personalities,different view points,from different backgrounds .Most importantly we had different triggers that lead us to this condition.I understand the article is based on an individual and his experience with someone who has bpd?i am asking I don’t want to just assume ?People with bpd have different “good ” and “bad ” moments .Yes we tend to see things as either black or white ,and if not treated and being introduced by dbt for example ,we will struggle to cope and assume the worste.But then again the “worse “are different for everyone,I for example have general anxiety disorder and ADHD with my borderline.Maybe another individual has bi polar with bpd or only bpd etc ,the list goes on.It almost sounded like his wife had an psychotic episode .? Again I’m asking I don’t want to assume ? Or perhaps this is the extreme example of borderline ?I knew someone who also had borderline and I remember seeing him at his worse and he threatened me and himself with a knife….but he used to pretend his someone else on social media and did things I could never imagine myself ever doing…anyway in my experience I used to want to fill in the void by focusing on romantic relationships because I had childhood trauma and conditioned myself into believing that I am not worthy of love..but most importantly not worthy to love myself .I used to run away from my responsibilities and would have anger outbursts .After having years of depression and being diagnosed with bpd for 4 years ,only now at the age of 25 I feel like I had an internal switch.I am working on radical acceptance ,self love,I am basically soul searching .It is hard but even an individual who don’t have any condition struggles to connect with themselves .So I accepted that I have to take meds,I also accepted that if I have to take it for the rest of my life ,so be it,bUT I am still optimistic and committed to one day stop taking them when I can rely fully on my healthy coping skills ,family ,inner self ,environment etc.I am also not filling in the void by loving others and not loving myself .Only NOW I have started to change for the better and I know it’s a long road but it is my road ,and my journey and it is and I am enough.I am going to study art therapy next year and I know my purpose in life is to help others just like myself and to just improve lives and hopefully inspire others and to convince them that their number one priority is to love themselves .I know it is hard ,but just take that leap of faith and get unstuck and then the rest will unfold.
Thank you Dan. I have BPD and was diagnosed only 4 months ago and I am 40 yrs.old. The comments i read before yours were heartbreaking but you gave me encouragement. Thank You.
BPD IS LIKE A TORNADO WHEN IN CRISIS TAKING EVERYTHING IN THERE LOVE ONES PATH, THE STORM SUBSIDES AND EVERYTHING THE BPD TORNADO TAKES STARTS TO GIVE IT BACK….BUT IN PIECES, THE STORM WAS SO FURIOUS THERES ONLY PIECES TO GIVE BACK…THE BPD STORM DOESNT QUITE REMEMBER THE RHETORIC THEY DISPLAYED DURING THE LAST STORM…SO ALL IS WELL WITH THE BPG…NOTHING:DRASTIC HAPPENED TO THE BPD TARGET…
SO THE NON BPD JUST GOES WITH IT HOPING AND ENSURING THEY WILL GET SHOWERED IN FALSE LOVE AND IDEOLOGY JUST TO BE CAUGHT IN THE BPD STORM AGAIN…HENCE THE CYCLE GETS REPEATED ON A MORE FREQUENT TIME FRAME TESTING TO SEE IF YOU WILL LEAVE AND YOU DONT SO THEY LAUGH AND HIT YOU ON A MORE LOWER LEVEL UNTIL YOU ARE TOTALY NOT YOUR SELF AND END UP BEING OUT OF ROUND AND BORING….THATS WHEN THE B PD WILL DISCARD YOU AND IT WILL BE FOR A BRIGHT FACE FULL OF HOPE AND LOVE NEW TARGET…THEY WILL MEET THE SAME DEMISE YOU AND SO MANY OF THERE VICTIMS HAVE BECOME UNDER THERE SICK SPELLS….
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND IN THERE SICK MINDS IT IS FINE…..