Living With a Commitment Phobic Cheater

Living With a Commitment Phobic CheaterQuestion:  I met a man who told me he would never cheat. Quickly into dating he asked me to move in with him. One month after I moved in with him he got distant, saying he looks at other women and I must not be the one, if he does. What should I do, everyday he gets more and more distant and I miss who he use to be and when he wasn’t so distant.

Answer:  It sounds like he has commitment issues.  Unfortunately, how he is now is who he really is.  He will never go back to how it was in the beginning while you’re still living with him.  You living there is giving him anxiety, similar to claustrophobia.  He feels trapped.  The fact that he asked you to move in so quickly is classic commitment phobic behavior.  I know that sounds ridiculous but commitment phobic’s do want a commitment.  They’re just unaware of their subconscious fear of it.  He’s subconsciously  looking to find fault with you so he can get out of the commitment and ease his anxiety.  He’s blaming you instead of taking a look at his own issues.  The best thing you can do is give him space.  Once the pressure of commitment is relieved If he does genuinely love you  he’ll want you again.  However, the pattern will just repeat itself unless he is willing to admit he has issues.   If I were you, I’d move back out and move on with your life.  If and when he wants to come back, tell him you need to make some changes.  See if he’d be interested in speaking with a professional relationship coach.  But if he’s not willing he will just hurt you all over again.  Don’t allow it.  And in the future, if anyone tries to accelerate the pace of your relationship, take that as a major red flag.  Subconsciously he knew it wouldn’t last, so he had nothing to lose.  The excitement of something new is the only thing that can overpower his anxiety.  You deserve so much better!

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  1. Well, since I don’t know your age, I’m going to assume you’re not too grey auonrd the temples yet? (late teens, early 20 s perhaps?) In my experience I’ve noticed that for a lot of women, as we get older, our priorities change in what were looking for in a boyfriend. A lot of younger and more immature people (men and women alike I think) tend to look for physical attraction as the #1 factor in determining who they want to be with. The older I get, the more I look for emotional and intellectual attraction; the physical side becomes a bonus over finding someone with whom you can actually stand to spend a lot of your time and hold a solid conversation with. I think the best advice I can give you is to be confident that you have a lot to offer to a woman and that looks are not the only thing women are after. Besides, the people I’ve ended up being the most attracted to are the ones that I didn’t start out thinking were the cutest guys I’d ever met. Hang in there, you’ll meet the right girl some day. Plus, do you really want a woman who only wants to be with you becasue you’re hot’?

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