Question: How do I get rid of anger I have for past boyfriends who broke my heart? I am particularly angry at the men who said we would get married and without any warning ended the relationship and immediately started dating other women before our relationship was officially over, making me feel like a fool. My anger comes from the lack of remorse they feel for what they did and feel to this day they have done nothing wrong.
Answer: I completely understand why you’re angry. Thank you for asking this question. I think a lot of people, both men and women, feel the same way. Accordingly, a great deal of singles do what you’re describing. Its motivated by commitment issues. But holding on to anger will only make it worse for you. You have to change your perception of what happened. Instead of feeling like a victim of his lack of integrity, decide that you dodged a bullet by getting out before he left you at the alter or after you had his baby. The type of man you’re describing is incapable of making a true commitment and maintaining a happy relationship. You’re lucky to have gotten out before he hurt you even more. You will release your anger when you truly decide that you didn’t want him anyway. If it helps, I’m sure he did mean those things when he said them, he wasn’t trying to hurt you. He just doesn’t know himself well enough and isn’t ready to look at his issues. If he admits any remorse that would essentially be admitting he has issues. I think he’s a coward for not doing that. But don’t let him take your power away. You know what you know, you don’t need him to agree with you. Use the information that he can’t accept responsibility for his actions to be sure that you don’t want him!
Having your heart broken can actually be a gift. It gives you more depth and compassion if you choose to look for the lessons you can learn. You may want to strength your boundaries and slow down the pace of future relationships. Moving too fast and over-promising is a clear sign of commitment issues. If another guy talks about marriage tell him not to make promises that he can’t keep, and don’t engage in any life-long commitment conversations until at least a year of dating.
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Donna Barnes is a NYU Certified Life & Relationship Coach and the author of Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices.. She is based on New York’s Upper West Side but coaches clients all over the world via Skype or telephone to help them find the romantic bliss they crave. She’s been the on-air Relationship Expert for ABC News’ hit series “What Would You Do?” for three seasons. She taught Bret Michael’s girls to “Rock at Love” on VH-1. And you may have previously seen her on Good Morning America, Fox News, Late Show with David Letterman, NBC’s Today Show, CBS’s Early Show and CNN just to name a few. www.DonnaBarnes.com