Finding the love of your life is an incredible high, especially if on some level you view him or her as above your typical dating league. So naturally, when it doesn’t work out or worse, it suddenly ends without warning, it may feel like you will never find anyone better. However, it is only that kind of thinking that will prevent you from finding anyone new—I promise you.
Contrary to what many people believe there is not only one love of anyone’s life. It sucks, and it hurts, and it’s very lonely to lose your soul mate. But you cannot lose yourself in the process. No one else defines who you are. You are who you are based solely on your own merits, not because of the partner you were able to secure for yourself. I know it doesn’t feel like it but this breakup is the best thing that has happened to you. It’s giving you depth, compassion and a new perspective on life. Embrace it! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so if you are having any thoughts of removing yourself from this world, please, please think again. I swear to you this shall pass and it does get better. Do not give that kind of power to a selfish person who didn’t value you.
The first step in letting go of someone who hurt you is to knock them off the pedestal you’ve had them on. I usually recommend not being judgmental, but when someone has broken your heart you have to find their faults to help you let them go. No one is perfect, and no matter how perfect he or she may have seemed for you, he or she did have short comings. Leaving you is a major fault.
The reason I say this is good for you is because the insights you are gaining will help you find the new love of your life. The things that didn’t work in a past relationship usually become the essential qualities we look for in our next partner, things we didn’t know to look for previously. You probably won’t find someone with the exact same qualities that you loved about your ex, but that’s a good thing. You absolutely will find someone with better qualities that work better for you. Do not sell yourself short; your ex is not the only person who will find you attractive. This horrible experience is helping you grow and actually making you more appealing.
I can absolutely assure you all of these things because I have been there too. I know how you feel. I had an amazing relationship with a wonderful man who I thought was the love of my life. When he couldn’t do it and left our relationship it pulled the rug out from underneath me. That was a very dark time. However, it set me on a quest for knowledge. I did find love again, and lost it again, and found it again, and lost it again. Each time I felt I would never find anyone better. It was frequently painful, and at times even debilitating, but in hindsight I wouldn’t change any of it. It has made me who I am. I am an empowered woman who knows how to recognize a man who is truly good for me. I’m now blessed with the best love of my life—whom I wouldn’t trade for any of my past loves.
If you hang in there and take care of yourself I promise you can find better love too. You need to change your perception. Decide that you do not want your ex. You DO NOT want someone who doesn’t want you! If you need help reach out for it. Talk to your friends and family, read some good books, you can even reach out to me. Helping people through breakups is now my specialty—I definitely understand.
Donna! Don’t know how this site just popped up on my Facebook – Rarely use it…So happy for you and wishing lots of success on your new book and everything! Your energy (as our group leader 2011) was amazing…Congrats! JB
Hi, I fell on your website searching for a way to heal a very broken heart. The love of my life, dating on and of because of distance, left me for a girl he met a few months earlier. He did not even tell me it is over, he even called me to say he misses me 4 days before his wedding. I did not know he was getting married in another country. When I knew I was speechless and angry.. I am still angry, jealous of her, I am now having anxiety issues, I cry every night. To top it off, now him and his wife live 3 streets away from me and our families are friends. What kills me is that I cannot forget about him or what he did to me and I have to see him in social events. We never had a closure and doesn’t want to talk about it. He is happy and I am chattered. I am making the effort to meet men, but they are all wrong for me and the ones I like don’t want a relationship they want to be casual encounters. I just wanted to vent because I cannot talk to anybody about it… I feel unworthy of love because I had a bad marriage before and feel nobody loved me enough to propose to me and want to spend the rest of their lives with me. I am hitting 40 next year and feel empty without having a family and kids.
Donna, it was bittersweet reading this. Knowing that the man I still hold dear to my heart chose to marry someone else just 2 months ago. But, knowing that someone out there understands what I’m feeling. It Has helped me see this experience in a different light. The feeling of being worthless to him. Has taken the best of me.
Your words have described all of it like a reflection on a mirror.
I will definitely be reading more..so looking forward to it.
Thank you
Dear Donna,
I’m heartbroken and having a very hard time getting over this person. I’ve hung on for the last 12 months and am finally realizing that I have to sever ties for now in order to get over her. I’m hurting so bad and your post helps me.
Thank you.
Donna – I’ve read your valuable time tested advise – and I too went through similar circumstances in that journey to find my One and Only. I traveled the world in search of her. And – 4 times I thought I had found her – different countries, different circumstances – all filled with passion, love, lust, excitement and adventure. And each time – there was the eventual deeply painful breakup and divorce. And each time – I suffered deeply afterwards and eaxh time it took me years to get over the woman. And each time – there was another man involved shortly thereafter the break up (surprisingly so) that took away all chances of repairing any damage done to realign and get back on track in a new light. And I’d start my search over again for the One and Only.
My last GF of 10 years (long story) circumstances always preventing us from merging our lives together. We lived 70 miles apart – Both with one child from previous marriage eventually ended due to changing circumstances and I moved even further apart across the country. That needed it. I spent 3 years purging myself of her and us. Cleansing myself of residual hopes of somehow. I looked forward to finding my One and Only in a new life and new adventure, new future and building together. I sought her in many ways – going out, restaurants, social events, online dating and even grocery shopping. Where was she??? Where would she pop up?
One day – I walked into a bar restaurant and as soon as I Everett’s the door – she saw me and I saw her and the Energy between us in that glance was magic! We both felt it. It shook me harder than any woman I had known before. Neither of us could deny the power. She’s was the One and Only.
Make a long story short – a month later we fin alt went out for a weekend camping adventure. We traveled, we swam, we hiked and we explored and it was heaven. The next weekend the same – even better. We fell so hard in love. And then she brought up marriage. And I asked her to marry me. She immediately said yes. Literally 6 weeks after we met. We were crazy about each other.
Three days after our deceits camping weekend – she came over to my place – sat down at the couch and said “we need to slow things down”. I hit the roof. It sent shook waves of previous breakups through my entire body. I felt used and abused. And I didn’t get a good explanation that comforted me at all. I persisted in trying to get her to come clean – I out pressure on her to spend more time together. She always had an excuse or reason. And then 4 days later sent me a text and said it was over. I exploded. She said I was pressuring her too much.
Fast forward – we kept in contact everyday via text. We discussed issues that she brought up. We talked every day via text. And I felt I was moving in. After a month of this she finally said she had a new BF. And yet she continued texting me. I was livid. I tried to show her it was a rebound and he was using his money and power to control her. Trips, expensive hotels, world travel plans and even a new expensive car. She Had become his sugar baby. When she finally understood what she fell into out of desperation and a rebound – she broke up with him and Textd me. She wanted to talk about us. The day we were to get together she made an excuse. And come to find out she went back to him that day and hooked up again. She told me – and behind his back continued to text me everyday.
Finally – I was emotionally heading downhill. I hoed she’s break up with him again and come back. My heart ached. The jealousy raged through my entire being. But I tried to remain calm. Responding to her text messages – trying to not seem needy or biased feeling she needed my support and love as she was trying to find herself. Finally I couldn’t take it any more – it was killing me. He took her on a lavish week to a Hotel Spa in Texas and she was contacting me everyday and bragging. Not about him – but about how she was being spoiled. And then I burst when she finally said she was with him.
I accused her of every treachery in the book. And the double rebound she was in – he’s going through a nasty divorce presently. And she dumps me and 4 days later is with him. He’s her meal ticket for the future. I was also. But I cannot refuse that deep connection we had she says she didn’t feel when she met him or even feels with him now as she felt with me.
But now – I won’t be her doormat. I can clearly see how I will be dragged down the tube with her in this lying bogus relationship she’s in now in the train wreck about to happen.
It’s true – you have to get to the point of realizing that person you loved so dearly – youbthghr was the best you could ever have – and each one getting better – is only a stepping stone to what you call “the best love”. Yes – each one in the end after the fallout settles and you finally recover – all the things that weren’t working you apply to the next relationship to mKe it better. The pain of another breakup is even more devastating – and you recover from that as well. And move on…
This one will take me time to get over and be cleansed once again and open to another. Hopefully when I meet my One and Only this time – it will be my One and Only – Forever!!! I search on….
Hi Donna,
Thank you for providing helping hand. I am also one of the broken hearts, unworthy of love, unwanted, going through depression from last one and half year nd it’s getting worse every day. I am really fed up and wanted to end my life. I think no one in this world not even God can feel and understand what am going through. There is no hope left in me. I think only death can help me now. After reading your article, feels good at least someone knows.