Finding the love of your life is an incredible high, especially if on some level you view him or her as above your typical dating league. So naturally, when it doesn’t work out or worse, it suddenly ends without warning, it may feel like you will never find anyone better. However, it is only that kind of thinking that will prevent you from finding anyone new—I promise you.
Contrary to what many people believe there is not only one love of anyone’s life. It sucks, and it hurts, and it’s very lonely to lose your soul mate. But you cannot lose yourself in the process. No one else defines who you are. You are who you are based solely on your own merits, not because of the partner you were able to secure for yourself. I know it doesn’t feel like it but this breakup is the best thing that has happened to you. It’s giving you depth, compassion and a new perspective on life. Embrace it! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so if you are having any thoughts of removing yourself from this world, please, please think again. I swear to you this shall pass and it does get better. Do not give that kind of power to a selfish person who didn’t value you.
The first step in letting go of someone who hurt you is to knock them off the pedestal you’ve had them on. I usually recommend not being judgmental, but when someone has broken your heart you have to find their faults to help you let them go. No one is perfect, and no matter how perfect he or she may have seemed for you, he or she did have short comings. Leaving you is a major fault.
The reason I say this is good for you is because the insights you are gaining will help you find the new love of your life. The things that didn’t work in a past relationship usually become the essential qualities we look for in our next partner, things we didn’t know to look for previously. You probably won’t find someone with the exact same qualities that you loved about your ex, but that’s a good thing. You absolutely will find someone with better qualities that work better for you. Do not sell yourself short; your ex is not the only person who will find you attractive. This horrible experience is helping you grow and actually making you more appealing.
I can absolutely assure you all of these things because I have been there too. I know how you feel. I had an amazing relationship with a wonderful man who I thought was the love of my life. When he couldn’t do it and left our relationship it pulled the rug out from underneath me. That was a very dark time. However, it set me on a quest for knowledge. I did find love again, and lost it again, and found it again, and lost it again. Each time I felt I would never find anyone better. It was frequently painful, and at times even debilitating, but in hindsight I wouldn’t change any of it. It has made me who I am. I am an empowered woman who knows how to recognize a man who is truly good for me. I’m now blessed with the best love of my life—whom I wouldn’t trade for any of my past loves.
If you hang in there and take care of yourself I promise you can find better love too. You need to change your perception. Decide that you do not want your ex. You DO NOT want someone who doesn’t want you! If you need help reach out for it. Talk to your friends and family, read some good books, you can even reach out to me. Helping people through breakups is now my specialty—I definitely understand.
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Donna Barnes is a NYU Certified Life & Relationship Coach and the author of Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices.. She is based on New York’s Upper West Side but coaches clients all over the world via Skype or telephone to help them find the romantic bliss they crave. She’s been the on-air Relationship Expert for ABC News’ hit series “What Would You Do?” for three seasons. She taught Bret Michael’s girls to “Rock at Love” on VH-1. And you may have previously seen her on Good Morning America, Fox News, Late Show with David Letterman, NBC’s Today Show, CBS’s Early Show and CNN just to name a few. www.DonnaBarnes.com