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The Only One Secret to Dating You Will Ever Need.

Posted on September 12, 2009 Written by 3 Comments


Dating Tips

The current day and age, navigating the confusing and often contradictory world of dating rituals can be an intimidating and frustrating experience.

“Never call a man”, “Don’t ask a woman out, get her to ask you”, “Play hard to get”, “Tease her with small insults”, “Cook him a big meal”, “Don’t be too nice to her” and infamous “3 date” or “Two month” or “Six month” rules that schedule events as simple as “when to kiss”, “when to take a vacation together”, “when to propose”, etc. have ruined the spontanaeity and fun of dating. “Do this, don’t do that”. Whatever happened to the REAL purpose of dating: to get to know another individual, to let time take its course and fall in love (for how can someone not fall in love with anyone they enjoy spending time with and learn to appreciate?), and finally enjoying the feeling of being in love and being loved? Unfortunately, American dating rituals and modern customs have made this last, but seminal point of the whole ordeal: to meet and get to know someone you will want to love, almost moot.

Many advice columns and books tell you that if you follow certain rules or tactics, you can make yourself attractive to the opposite sex almost independent of who you are. While I believe it is true that looks is not a very important consideration when you’re looking for the love of your life (he or she may not come in the package you expected), what most advice columns and “dating method” tricks ignore is that you cannot magically make yourself attractive to another and build a healthy relationship with someone if

a) you are an uninteresting person on your own,

b) your life is not together, or

c) the other person’s personality clashes with yours.

In the case where you and your date’s personality clash, well, there’s nothing either one of you can do about it, so it is good to keep in mind when the dating process eventually arrives to its inevitable conclusion. But in this case you’ve both gained something out of the experience: you’ve met and gotten to know someone, and you’ve learned about yourself. If you handle things properly and the personalities are not insidiously incompatible you may have even won a friend. It is just a part of dating.

But in the case of items a) and b), you should ask yourself if this is the REAL reason you are unsuccessful at dating. Perhaps it has nothing to do with whether you called her on a Monday or a Tuesday. Perhaps it is not whether you cooked him fish instead of chicken for dinner on the 3rd date instead of the 5th date. But if you think about it, all your actions–when/if you call, whether you buy her flowers or a card, whether you pick her up or she meets you somewhere, whether you treat her with respect or tease her with insults, whether you kiss him, sleep with him, or just hug him,what you do and where you go during your dates, etc, ALL OF THIS, is a reflection of both of those items.

Is your life not together? Are you unemployed and can’t invite your date out to an activity that you will both enjoy? Do you have other commitments at home that require you to limit the time you have available for dates or cancel them while they are going on? Do you feel unhappy about where your life is going at this point in time? Are you in the process of moving away to some other location? Are you new in town? All of these circumstances and situations will affect how you date, and your personal situation will sooner or later become evident to the person you’re dating. If you’ve been smart enough to choose someone worthwhile to date, who has the same goals in dating as yourself (we’re assuming the only real purpose of dating is what we stated at the beginning: to meet and find someone to love), then when you don’t have your life in order they will immediately realize that investing in a long term relationship with you is probably a risky prospect. Many people might decide not to get further involved with you if this is the case.

Are you an uninteresting person? Are you negative, sarcastic, or a general buzz kill? Do you have angry outbursts? Are you selfish? (selfishness is the biggest turnoff for women, while neediness seems to be the biggest turnoff for men). Or perhaps you don’t have any serious personality flaws but your life revolves around work and TV (or work and videogames, which seems to be the Bay Area equivalent!). Do you have fun hobbies that someone else (i.e. your date) might like to learn about or share? Do you have an exciting social life that your date might want to participate in? Are you happy? It goes without saying that throughout the dating process both sexes evaluate what the other person brings to the relationship. If you are unable to contribute in an amount equal to what your date brings, chances are the relationship won’t go very far.

“Well, alright, these are all good points, but how does that help me when dating?” you might ask. Well, the biggest secret to dating is –that there is just one secret. And this one secret is this: Are you happy? It is this question that encompasses all of those items a, b, and c. above. If you are a genuinely, unhesistatingly, and enthusiastically happy, you’ll be an irresistible date. Everybody likes to be around positive, high-energy people who are confident and content with where their life is at the moment. Rules will suddenly not matter, because if you’re happy you’ll have the confidence to break or follow conventions and rituals according to what feels right for the situation. If you are happy, too, you will know when to let go of dates or situations that are draining, unhealthy, or are not leading you to where you want to go.

O.K., I forgot. There IS another little secret. And it is this: date only happy people. Yes, they are rare (because many people say that they are happy when everything in their life reflects that they aren’t), but when you find one, and you are happy too, I guarantee you that your dating experience will be all that it was always meant to be: wonderful.

by TechieGirl

Filed Under: Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating and Divorced, Dealing with Breakups, Online Dating, Playing the Game Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hey, That’s Not Yours! Exploring The Emotions Of Relationships- And Letting Go!

Posted on August 15, 2009 Written by Leave a Comment


In my work, I often perceive in my clients a sensitivity that seems to come naturally to those involved in the more spiritual way of living. Most of the people I serve, even if they are unaware of it, have some level of empathic, intuitive or channeling abilities that work in their lives. I find that those who seek spiritual/psychic guidance tend to have a latent spiritual/psychic side to themselves that is craving to come out… like attracts like!

In serving these sensitive, spiritually evolving people, I come across one very common negative trait that I’d like to discuss today. Mis-identification of issues. I know that sounds nearly like medical terminology- but don’t worry- it’s not that bad!

Mis-identification of issues is the process of taking ownership of issues, addictions, behaviors, etc. that are NOT yours. The most common example of this happens in romantic relationships.

Let’s create an example (completely made-up, any similarity to actual events is a ‘coincidence’) to use throughout this article to help make it more clear…

Jane has been dating Joe for a few months now. Joe tends to take ten steps forward in the relationship- then either completely clam up for a while or take 15 steps back. Now, Jane is starting to feel like she’s doing something terribly wrong. She has a hard time injecting positive energy into the relationship because she never quite knows whether Joe is coming or going and what she might be doing to make him run. This is a classic example of ‘Not Yours’ in action! In the beginning, Jane was completely present with the relationship. The behavior Joe expresses sort of came out of nowhere- and has now turned into a cyclical, nearly addictive pattern.

Joe obviously has some deep-seated issue here with commitment and self-worth, but it’s Jane I am worried about. She is taking responsibility for actions, behaviors, beliefs and attitudes which do not belong to her. She basically just took a few pounds off Joe and stuffed them in her backpack.

As humans, we want to care for others and lessen their burden. Empathic folks have this really hard until they learn how to shield and identify properly. We have also been trained in many regards that if something in our life goes wrong- it’s time for the blame game. Neither of these beliefs is good or progressive on our spiritual journey. It’s important for us to be able to identify- anytime a negative emotion comes up- where it comes from. Is this our internal feeling of guilt, lack, etc.- or are we simply kicking ourselves in the butt over something we have no ownership of? Jane is suffering, piling on the guilt and really starting to destroy her self-value because she thinks Joe’s behavior is her problem. The truth is- her breaking-down process due to this toxic energy is probably making things worse. If we could just clean her emotions up, get her clear and focus on the positive, she would 99% likely see Joe change his ways. See how one person doing some deep healing will effect those they are close to an illicit their healing as well… big secret revealed!

Taking accountability for what IS ours and what is NOT ours not only helps clear the energy flow between people- it also helps us get closer to what’s going on in our heart and what we have to work with. True compassion does not come from taking on others issues- that’s called robbery. Compassion comes forth when we walk alongside those in need- giving them love, energy, support and guidance. If we walk the path for them, they might as well not be living at all. Most of us can agree that some of our biggest hurts and losses led to our biggest personal growth- do you really want to take that away from someone? These are lessons we cannot learn from books- we have to experience the reality of them, hopefully while being surrounded with love and guidance from others, in order to really ‘get it’.

Taking the initiative to explore emotions, define what’s yours, take accountability for it and work through it is a medicine unparalleled in this world. It allows us to stop blaming others for our issues, to stop taking on other peoples life journey, and to live clear and open to the next step. Here’s a break-down of exploring, identifying and letting go…

•Negative emotion arises (fear, guilt, decline in self-value, anger, etc.) that involves another person
•Stop. Breathe. Feel the entirely of the emotion for a few moments
•Talk to the emotion, dialogue with it from inside. See where it comes from, what triggered it, when it came up, etc. Be an emotion detective and try to resolve the root of the toxicity
•Identify with COMPLETE HONESTY to yourself whether this is or is not your issue
•If is IS your issue- now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Begin working on it through honest internal dialogue, meditation, prayer, energy work, self-help books, counseling, etc. Do what you need to do to work through it and overcome while still embracing the lessons it has to offer you
•If it is NOT you emotion- replace it with love for the person who owns it, this changes the vibration immediately. Communicate with the person that you are feeling ____ and would like to be with them in any way you can to help them clear it up. You have to release consciously WITH LOVE, or the cords that attach you to that weight just stick around
•Continue to have open, honest and compassionate dialogue with yourself (first and foremost) and with any others involved. Remember- as they heal, you heal. As yo heal, they heal. Invest as much energy as needed into the situation because in the end it is your medicine.
We are all connected, and ideally want for others what we want for ourselves. Tapping into the flow of unconditional love and true compassion allows us to help others for real, instead of just taking their burdens for a while and not helping either of us get bigger. The healing journey is about loving kindness, compassion and manifesting perfection- with the right paradigm we can all tap that, together, one relationship at a time!

If you have any questions about toady’s article- please feel free to contact me via email. I look forward to serving you and your unique life journey through the spiritual arts and unconditional Divine love! Peace & Blessings,

Josh Williams is a professional Psychic Adviser, Life Coach, Spiritual Teacher and Energy Healing Channel. For over 10 years he has been serving clients from all across the globe, acting as psychic client advocate, teaching meditation, ritual, manifesting and spirituality techniques and just loving life! Josh has recently started offering a wisdom blog which is updated 5 times a week presenting practical but powerful spiritual wisdom for the modern day. You can view Josh’s blog by clicking HERE

Filed Under: Dealing with Breakups Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Jealousy is Fear of Having No Value

Posted on August 15, 2009 Written by Leave a Comment


Jealousy

Jealousy

Jealousy can last much longer than a basic emotion like anger, without losing its original intensity, and it may even outlast the attachment which it fears losing: “jealousy is always born with love; it does not always die with it”.

Jealousy is about fear–fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing power or control in a relationship, fear of loss, and fear of abandonment. While is it normal to feel mildly jealous on occasion, if jealousy is a frequent emotion or something which is irrational, this may reflect the carryover of past real or imagined traumas and betrayals. In my own case, when I experience jealous emotions it is indeed a carryover. I recognize it within myself and I try as best I can to fight it. I keep telling myself, it is not going to keep me from getting hurt.

But why do we get jealous?

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. That’s what you feel when you get jealous of others, of your partner talking to or dancing with another person : I do not have as much value as the other person aka he/she will leave me. The purpose of jealousy is to avoid being hurt or to lessen hurt that has already happened but sometimes jealousy makes people do crazy things – like VERY crazy things. Their jealousness most often leads to the very thing they fear. Being left and feeling they have no value. They are thus confirmed in their fears.

Coping.

One great way to learn how to deal with jealousy is for people to recognize when they are jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that they are not sure of. One of the most important techniques for coping with jealousy is acceptance. By accepting that jealousy is not going to save you from being hurt, you can often learn to build trust and keep the lines of communication open.

Result of jealous behavior.

Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person we may fear losing. It’s a poor medium to secure love, but it is a secure medium to destroy one’s self-respect.

“Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.”

Gitte Gorzelak is a true crime nerd and fanatic blogger. She lives in West Jutland, Denmark and is the mother of a son.

Filed Under: Dealing with Breakups Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

From Casual Dates To A Real “Connection”

Posted on August 15, 2009 Written by Leave a Comment

Casual DatingCasual DatingDid you know that a man will decide very quickly whether you’re a woman he wants to get to know better and spend his time with – or not?

If you’re frustrated that he stopped calling or emailing after what felt like a great date or dates (lots of laughter, connection, interesting conversation), then you need to read this special web page I put together about creating andbuilding a strong and natural ATTRACTION with a man.

Bottom line – women who naturally know how to create this kind of attraction rarely have to worry about a man getting distant or pulling away.That’s because a man will feel literally COMPELLED to keep seeing you and being around you when you know how to trigger that “special” kind of deep attraction.

I’ve got to be honest with you about something here…

A while back I realized that even though another woman may read my newsletters or eBook, and “get” how men think, how attraction works, or what it takes for great communication to happen…

Still… there are some women who “get” all this but who are single, alone, and struggling just to find a great man to share their life with.

I can understand how the process of “doing the work” and still not being able to find the right man, let alone get things started and working in a relationship, can be incredibly frustrating.

I’ve thought about women in this situation a lot — women who are smart, attractive, great people who just can’t seem to make things work with men and dating.

And after reading literally hundreds of emails from women and taking a few years to observe what’s really going on… I’ve recognized a specific set of “problems” that keep most women from being lucky or successful when it comes to men, dating… and getting a relationship started that will LAST.

Here are just a few of these specific problems:

- Having no idea where to go to meet quality, attractive single men (or it seems like all the good men are already “taken”)

- Going on “dates” (which they dread in the first place) and having them either go NOWHERE… or having things go great on the date, but the guy never calls or asks you out again

- Seeing a man you’re attracted to, and wishing you knew EXACTLY what to do and say to get his attention without sounding dumb, goofy, or desperate

- Not knowing specific things to ASK a man to figure out very early on whether or not he’s honest, mature, and “into” having a real relationship… without sounding pushy, manipulative or scaring him off

- Never knowing the reason WHY a man stops calling or making plans after one or more dates, when there seemed to be so much “chemistry” at first (Just knowing WHY could save you from feeling UNECESSARILY bad because you’re wondering about what you did or said wrong)

Any of these sound familiar?

If so, then your life just got a lot easier… because I’m about to share the answers and insights to these problems that women run into while meeting men, “dating”, and trying to builda great relationship from scratch.

I had a big “Aha!” moment recently, and my realization was this:

Most women would be MUCH more successful with men and dating if they not only had their own “act together” as women… but they knew the specifics of exactly HOW, WHERE, WHY, and WHEN to do things with a man.

Such as… how to get a man’s attention, why he responds the way he does, and when to take things in the direction you want them to go in your relationship.

In other words, sometimes it’s just NOT ENOUGH to be a great person. You need to know how to SHOW him that you are.

Which means… if you don’t know how to say or do the right thing with a man to get him to
recognize what’s really inside of you, and who you are… then it’s all for nothing.

Now, some women have written me over the years and seemed to be looking for a “tool box” or a cheat-sheet that they could refer to for CLEAR answers to questions about real-life dating situations… and how to handle them.

And not having those tools at their fingertips was driving them CRAZY.

They were tired and frustrated with consistently meeting men who accidentally turned
out to have all the WRONG qualities… and they didn’t know how to identify and attract only the right men.

Of course, this isn’t too uncommon.

Have you ever thought you were really clear on what you wanted in a man and a relationship, and you found what you thought was a great guy… only to later discover that the man and the
relationship you had weren’t anything like what you thought they were?

This kind of experience can literally BLOW YOUR MIND and leave you wondering if you’re completely blind. Why is it so hard for YOU… when so many other couples have found each other and found happiness so easily?

Here’s the reality…

What you need isn’t a whole bunch of new life-lessons.

What you need are some real-world tips and TECHNIQUES that are going to help you quickly draw the right man to you, weed out the bad apples early on, and keep things growing so that the right foundation for a great relationship comes together quickly and EASILY.

And guess what?

It’s time you learned how to quickly go from “Hello” to “I love you” with a man, and enjoy
the process and build the foundation for a LASTING RELATIONSHIP at every turn.

And now you learn all this by simply watching the DVDs of this incredible program in the comfort of your living room, or listening to the audio in your car on the way to work. In no time at all you’ll start learning how to OVERCOME the dating frustrations that may be haunting you now.

So don’t keep trying what DOESN’T WORK just because you don’t know any other way.

here’s a way that works. Check it out for yourself right here:

www.albinafabiani.com/love.html

I’ll talk to you again soon,

Filed Under: Advice for Women Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,