First dates will always be nerve-wracking affairs for most of us guys I suppose, but they don’t necessarily have to become a festival of hurt feelings and blown opportunities if you’ll just stick to one of my own personal Big Rules for first dating. And what is that? NO squishy, romantic first dates allowed! Surprised? Well, by way of costly personal trial and error I have concluded that it might be time to put the classic “Lance Romance”-style first date to death once and for all. You know what I’m talking about here?… the kind of deal where you break out the old American Express card and spring for the best candlelight dinner at some upscale bistro with the most expensive wine list in town?

These formal dates invariably tended to find some way of turning into exploding cigars on me… and I’ve got the scorch marks all over my bank account to prove it!

The ability to impress women with this sort of old fashioned, dating-by-the-numbers junk has been steadily losing its power over the generations anyway as females become more and more empowered and modernized. Women are beginning to expect a bit more creativity from men as regards dating — and I think that those who can deliver the psychological goods possess a definitive edge nowadays.

So what’s the alternative to dinner and a movie?…

Well, I say you can avoid all those expensive dangers AND throw her that slick creative curveball by sticking to ACTION-themed first dates. I’m talking about activities like skiing or dancing, or even… bowling. Bowling? Trust me, unless she’s a high-class gold-digging snob, you have a better chance of connecting with a chick on a stupid bowling date than by sitting across from her in a dim restaurant, slowly getting drunk and spilling out your sad and lonely guts to her. Guys get themselves into big trouble by revealing WAY too much about themselves way too soon in these types of “I need a girl to understand me” blab sessions, and they end up blowing all their male mystery to shreds. And with it, their game… and often, their chance at date #2 as well.

Premature romantic dates carry with them the possibility of devolving into ugly spitting contests as much as they do a roll in the sack, and usually due to some minor issue that should’ve never come up in the first place. Remember, this early on in the mutual “feeling out” process she might be searching for anything bad to justify pulling the ripcord on you — and like some punk breaking under a good waterboarding you will surely crack after a few hours of her relentless digging and questioning. I’ve done it myself, and it ain’t fun.

Action dates on the other hand, generally produce less of an opportunity for these long, potentially deadly conversations. The talk tends to center around the activity itself and less about troubled feelings or recently ended relationships and ex’s. Remember, Action Equals Passion because physical movement gets both the adrenaline and a woman’s emotions pumping in a similar fashion to sexual arousal — and on some level of her consciousness things can become confused to YOUR advantage!

As long as you keep the flirting going steady throughout the date, this playful teasing should continue to establish your romantic interest in her despite the non-romantic activity that you’re likely engaged in. At the very least it creates warm vibes which are the basis of connection and the deepening of the romantic trance. For a man, successfully seducing women is all about the hidden messages transmitted in his behavior. Sure, you have to dress halfway decent and with some style, stay reasonably well-groomed and la-dee-da… but the make-or-break factor will always be your powerful attitude that she has to be able to read between the lines.

So in that spirit, let’s take a look at a few ways in which you can create some positive energy on a first date vs. a few anti-matter negative goof-ups that can quickly pull things down into the “gutter of grief” if you’re not careful…

POSITIVE — Keeping Your Male Attentions Solidly Focused on Her… This is an essential seduction skill: learning how to tune out the surrounding world and focus-in on any woman that you’re out with — as if the two of you were the only souls left in the universe. This relentless ego feed can be flattering to a woman in an almost breathtaking way. (Remember that… Focus is Flattering!) Of course, I must remind you to keep a steady hand on the wheel and avoid smothering her with a lot of ridiculous, subservient fawning. As you know, balance is crucial here.

Any and all early conversations with a woman should be about creating SPARKS between the two of you — not about trading boring name, rank and serial number-type information. Tease and flirt gently but relentlessly in order to convey your romantic interest — never allow her to see you as that well-meaning but UNsexy guy. This is a killer stereotype to get hung on yourself. Remember that a socially timid man is almost always viewed as little more than a potential friend by women — never as a possible lover.

NEGATIVE — “Grading” Her Personality or Appearance… Never get yourself trapped into any sort of stupid discussion where it suddenly seems like an interesting idea to ponder what her “upside” or “downside” might likely be in the relationship that you’re already expecting to happen… “I can see that you’re a bit stubborn, which is a downside to becoming involved with you… but you also seem to have a great natural curiosity, which I find to be a real big plus!”

Well now isn’t that special.

This is pure condescension no matter how you word it. You have just assumed the role of teacher handing out the “grades”, and I guess she can only be the pupil in this scenario, right? Imagine if some dude you just met graded something about your character after only having known you for a few minutes… you’d naturally want to knock his block off. Well, your date may not punch you in the face, but she’s likely to go stone cold on you for the rest of the evening. Having fun yet? Addressing her as “young lady” just because there’s an age gap between the two of you is another mudhole. Stop and think… are you looking to become her daddy… or her Man?

Women generally refuse to submit to men in the guise of playful idiots like they did in the old days. So always try to remain on a psychologically equal level with her and avoid acting like some nit-picky “judge”. She’s not your girl yet… you throwback to the 5th century!

POSITIVE — Using Lots of Clever Humor to Keep Her Giggling… When it comes to women, effective humor is all about your CLEVER commentary on the absurdities that surround us — not about the repeating of dumb Hustler jokes or doing lame celebrity impressions. That’s why they call it a SENSE of humor — you need to base your wit on a deeper sense of what’s going on around you… which often lies just beneath the obvious. So dig it out and make her laugh! Laughter is a tried-and-true way of creating unbearable lightness around women… which can be translated into heavier romantic feelings later on.

NEGATIVE — Referring to Her in the Third Person… Instead of simply saying “What do you think of the shrimp scampi, Marsha?” you re-phrase it: “So, does Marsha like the shrimp scampi?”. This is how an adult talks to an adolescent in order to establish an impression of superiority over him or her. This kind of verbal stinkbomb drops an instant barrier between you and the woman by suggesting that the two of you are not on the same social / intellectual level, and that you consider her to be the inferior party. Only a woman with a case of very low self-esteem would let something like this slide by without being upset, and who needs to be messing around with losers like that?

The bottom line is this: if you take the time to bond with a woman FIRST by using the power of action before self-revelation, all your subsequent interactions with her have a better chance of turning delightful instead of deadly. Remember that my ideas are always designed to make dating and seduction as fun and interesting as possible in order to keep you motivated and participating in the oftentimes grinding, discouraging, “weeding-out” process.

That’s because PERSISTENCE is how you will eventually develop all those mad social skills that you’re searching for!