Some user friendly websites that I have found for internet dating are as follows: POF.com, Singlesnet.com, and OK Cupid.

POF facts you may want to know more about

POF.com (Plenty of fish) offers a lot of free features that one you may find very enjoyable are the chemistry match questions, search, online chat, the meet me section where you can click on photos of available singles, and trying out the ultra match section for free.  I especially liked the chat section because you can go in ask members who have been there awhile what they think of the site and how they are approaching their online dating.  They were all really very honest about how they were addressing online dating and gave me some good tips on how to approach the site even though a lot of profiles held inactive members. Some of the features you can enjoy if you upgrade are extra mail storage, access to ultra match, quality photo upgrades, see if your emails are read, and experience the site ad free. Some slight disadvantages to the site are a lot of people you may write to are no longer single or available, and simply forgot to delete their profiles, and there are only 7 pictures you can post to the site as a non paying member. A great amount of time is spent getting to know who is and who is not really there, and some humans just don’t respond at all. This doesn’t it any easier in finding live bodies to correspond with.  It is still a wonderful, delightful site for what it is, with a lot going for it.

Singlesnet.com features you may want to dive into further

Singlesnet.com (not to be confused with singles.net) is a really great site. For the plus side on the features, you can chat with someone live, email the gold members (paying members) for free, set up your email, view member’s profiles, and do a proprietary match. Other cool features are the sending a free flirt, save a contact, and instant message chat request. You would not have to make a chat request if you decided to become a paying member. One very whimsical element to this site is that the site will tell you if this person is more of your match a friend, or an enemy depending on how they answered their profile questions. It’s so clear as to who you would want to avoid by just seeing this percentage, as well. Someone with a high level of enemy rating would most definitely not be a good love match for you.  Some benefits to becoming a paying member, automatic chats, not requests, your profile becomes a gold member profile and it stands out more to other members, and you can send an email to both gold and non-gold members. A not so easy to use feature is the log in feature. Whereas most sites have their log in feature to the far upper left or right side of the screen, this site chose to put their log in information far down below all other material, center, in very tiny letters. It is extremely hard to see the letters, too. It does finally take you onto another page with the bigger log on information, but that step just makes it more time consuming.

OK Cupid; little things you might want to check out more

The site OK Cupid really cracks me up, first the name, then this wonderful lady named Cupidista (Meghan) comes and welcomes you to the site in an email. She even gives you extra photo slots just for being an active member in good standing. Others things I like about the site are that you have up to about ten photo slots and you can select people to view by your preference list, and email people without paying a single dime out of your pocket.  There seems to be enough singles on the site to write to, and you can even upgrade and know who has put you on their A list, or get more saved messages (over 300).  A special section called “you might like” is embedded underneath your main profile picture, and is super simple to use. One drawback to the site is that sometimes you can’t find out where to delete an older photo.  I had to write to support about that one. I am still waiting on a reply back, but other than that, it is an enjoyable and user friendly site.

In courtship, as in life, you must make the best choices of what you feel is right for you, and who you will want to spend the rest of your life with. Here are some questions to help you make a better decision on your future soul mate.

Describe your relationship with your father and / or mother?
This is when you want to find out if someone was respectful, or obedient.  You want to take a look at the positive or negative view of their parent and figure out if you can live with this person, and his or her views regarding his or her respective parents. Find out the personal stories, and how those stories came to shape that person and his or her life.

How is self-centeredness portrayed in your life?
This is where the rubber meets the road. By asking this question you find out if your future wife or husband is self centered, and by how much? You want to discover if this person can actually be more outwardly focused when it comes to you, your needs, and understanding another’s perspective outside of him or herself.

In striving for self improvement, what personal gains would you like to achieve or improve on?
It’s asked when you see if the person has goals, and are they trying to achieve them. In another case, you could see if the person has a flaw that they are trying to work on. If all this checks out, then maybe you might want to help each other with your gains or personal aspirations.

Does your mother or father have mental problems that can affect the life of your future baby?
It may seem like a tough question to ask someone, but what’s even tougher is if you didn’t know your future spouse’s history and your baby is delivered with a non curable birth defect. No addressed it, so nothing could be done to try to minimize or prevent such an emotional situation. Everyone has the right to know if they biologically have a chance to have a healthy baby. Don’t let pride stand in front of an unborn child’s life.

What types of situations aid your frustration level and how do you diffuse it?
Once this kind of question is asked, you can begin to see if your mate gets easily frustrated, lightly frustrated, or nothing fazes him or her at all. Watch closely the way he or she talks to you after this particular question is delivered. The tone of voice, pitch, and length of the answer can leave an impression, too. This also lets you know if the person has the ability to problem solve when it comes to his or her emotions,

Do you feel you have a teachable spirit?
In this circumstance you find out if your partner can take criticism, learn from mistakes, and build upon new ideas. Would you really want someone who isn’t open to new ideas and learning new things in the long run? You need to know if this person can listen to what you say, even if you are critiquing them, accept the delivery of the message, positively reflect on it, then honestly be okay with what you stated.

Are you a member of a church or how long have you been attending church?
In asking this question, you find out if your mate attends church. Does your soul mate believe in God, or if he or she is an atheist (a non-believer). You could even discover more from this one question by asking if he or she serves in a ministry, and what are some of your partner’s other spiritual beliefs?

“I’ve already got a female to worry about.
Her name is the Enterprise.” Captain Kirk, Star Trek

Star Trek James T. Kirk, Starship Captain, Starfleet Admiral, Mack Daddy

Wanna get lucky tonight?  The fact that you’re reading this article tells me the answer is “yes.”  Well, read along and learn how that sci-fi classic Star Trek, and specifically the great teacher himself, James Tiberius Kirk, has taught man all he needs to know about hooking up.

Just so we’re clear, I’m talking about real Star Trek, i.e. the 1966-69 series broadcast on NBC, and not that simpering, flatulent imposter known as Star Trek: The Next Generation.  What’s the difference, you ask?  Shut up.  Okay, fine, you want a difference?  Real Trek has clear-cut post-World War II era values (we’re here to spread peace – OUR kind of peace) liberally intermingled with philosophy, satire, and pop psychology.  Plus, the Klingons are stone-cold badasses.  TNG has pandering moral lessons, thuddingly obvious metaphors, and that neutered house pet Worf.  Seriously, what’s Klingon for “Uncle Tom?”  More pertinent to our discussion, real Trek has bouffanted yeomen in bullet bras, and drool-worthy guest hotties like Yvonne Craig and Sherry Jackson in all manner of skimpy outfits. TNG has Whoopi Goldberg dressed as a Franciscan nun.  What about star trek Voyager? I will not dignify that question with an answer.

I wish to further state I have not watched Star Trek since it was broadcast late at night on local New York television back when I was going to NYU in the ‘80s.  And I was usually baked at least half the time.  So if I misremember the occasional detail or quote, I don’t want to be the recipient of a 2,000 word indignant e-mail from any kind of Trekkie or Trekker or any other emotionally-stunted member of the Trek Taliban.  I am not going to recount individual episodes chapter and verse because, plastic-eared arguments to the contrary, that is not a skill to be proud of.

“Brace yourself. The area of penetration will no doubt be sensitive.”

I grew up in the 70s, which meant I was raised on the television of the 60s because those shows were in syndication all day and night.  And so I learned from an early age to pattern myself on the swinging decade’s televised alpha males; Joe Mannix, Napoleon Solo, James West, Thurston Howell**, all the top studs.

And make no mistake, every hour-long drama with a male lead was about one thing:  watching that guy get laid.  Wrongly convicted doctor Richard Kimball (The Fugitive) popped up in a new town every week, ostensibly on the run from the law while searching for the his wife’s real killer.  Yet he always seemed to have plenty of time to bang Suzanne Pleshette or whoever was that episode’s guest babe.  Cat burglar Al Mundy (It Takes a Thief), slick as a greased eel, was sprung from prison to steal for the government which he most enthusiastically did…right after he porked every woman above the age of consent on three continents.  Oh, you never saw the porkage, but the show made it damn clear what would be happening after the end credits.  Robert Wagner would take the girl’s arm, crack a smarmy double-entendre, and wink at the camera.  He may as well have dangled a Trojan Magnum and a handful of roofies.

(BTW, as I rough draft this article at a diner off I-5, there’s a gay Cuban couple in the booth next to me.  They’re alternately arguing in rapid-fire Spanish and taking pictures of everything on their table.  Way to set the ambiance, guys.)

“My people pride themselves on being the greatest, most successful gamblers in the universe. We compete for everything -- power, fame, women -- everything we desire, and it is our nature ... to win.” Star Trek

This brings us to James T. Kirk.  Our sensei.  We are but masterless ronin wandering the bars and dating sites and co-workers’ wedding receptions, looking for the right woman who will do all the wrong things.  Kirk is our master, he who unites us through his wise teachings.  Because in that great televised bachelor pad, Kirk was different.  He got laid in the future. Yet his maxims reverberate to the present because they are applicable to any era, be it 1968, stardate 3045.1, or TONIGHT.

Here then are Star Treks, Captain Kirk’s 10 Ways to get a girl:

1) Dress Well. You ever see Kirk in baggy shorts and geeky tech engineering tradeshow cap?  ‘Course not.  He’s always rockin’ that Federation uniform, shirt tucked in and shoes polished.  Next time you go out, set yourself apart from the horndog rabble by selecting a black sport jacket and slacks.  A black suit is even better.  Why black?  So you can spill stuff on it, dummy, and still look like you posess an aura of cool mystery.  Plus you’ve probably heard black is slimming and it is.  That’s why so many hot chicks wear it.  But don’t be the dork who wears all black.  Unless the name on your birth certificate is Johnny Cash, you’ll look like a pretentious tool.  Make sure you bring out contrast (and get yourself noticed) with a light colored shirt and bright tie.

2)  Bring a Wingman. Two are even better.  It shorthands you have social skills.  Why else do you think Kirk brought Spock and Doctor McCoy with him everywhere?  Savvy as always, Kirk also made sure his wingmen would be no competition in the looks department.  Truth be told, Kirk is a rather unremarkable looking guy, already getting a gut in his mid-30’s.  But then get a look at the heavybrowed train wreck that is Spock, or the crumpled wrapping paper visage of Bones, who looked old enough to be his own grandpa, and you see why Kirk got his pick of the green-skinned litter.

3) Drive a Decent Vehicle. Kirk rolls in the USS Enterprise, sleekest ship in the galaxy.  And make no mistake, the alien poon goddesses love it, especially when they get a look at the captain’s massive…chair.  Don’t let your potential quest see you take the bus, ‘cause it will be game over.  Women want to see the car.  Why?  Because it shorthands both your taste and earning potential.  Full disclosure:  I’m currently unemployed.  All I had to eat today was a peanut butter sandwich.  Yet I’ll give up food altogether before surrendering my Infiniti because that car makes women think I’m still solvent.  I can always tell them the truth over breakfast.  (If I was the sort of unoriginal putz who used emoticons, I’d wink there.)  If you don’t have a car, then again, avoid the bus.  Take a cab when hitting the town in search of ladies.  It will make a difference.  Remember, Kirk had no problems taking the shuttle now and again.

4) Keep a Clean House. Again, this brings us to the Enterprise.  Not only was it a flying babe magnet, but it also served as a plush crib.  (Do kids still say “crib?”  Do kids still call each other “kids?”)  Once an Orion slave girl was in Kirk’s captains quarters, she was all his.  In the blessed event you do bring a woman back home, make sure you’ve already put the Lucky Charms-encrusted dishes in the washing machine, picked last week’s BVD’s off the floor, and for the love of god, made the bed.  And even though we’re all Star Trek fans here, best to put that model of the Romulan drone ship into the closet.  Or trash.

5)  Embrace the Exotic. This one is literal.  Kirk banged every type of female there was regardless of skin color or home planet.  You may think you have a type and doggedly hold out for only that, but all you’re doing is making what could be an already-daunting situation even tougher.  Ever notice on countless TV procedural dramas, the hot girl who gets evicerated is a different type from episode to episode?  That’s ‘cause if they killed a blonde cheerleader every show, you’d get bored.  So they kill off a slinky Asian babe one week, a smokin’ black girl the next, a red hot brunette the following ep…you get the idea.  Just so we (and my lawyer) are clear, I’m not suggesting you emulate a serial killer.  I’m just advising you sample from the buffet, and always be ready to try something – or someone – new.

6)  Have a Quip On Your Lip. From the mind of James T. Kirk:  “Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That’s the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim.”  See?  The guy’s a riot.  Well, maybe not so much, but he is dryly witty.  Granted, this is not an exact science because humor is subjective.  You like Adam Sandler?  Chances are you do because someone is going to his movies and it sure as shit ain’t me.  On the other hand, I absolutely love the 1987 flop Ishtar.  Yep, I’m that guy.  Anyway, my point is that you can use the same funny line on five different gals and get five different responses.  Stick with the girl who laughs; the others will be too much damn work.

7) Accessorize (within reason). The phaser and communicator aren’t just nifty gadgets, they complete Kirk’s look.  Each is elegant and functional, but not gaudy.  And more important, Kirk doesn’t fuss about with them when getting his mack on.  Yeah, I’m talking to you, junior, always texting or looking up who starred in Early Edition just to impress some co-worker.  (Anyway, it was Kyle Chandler.)  As a rule, turn your phone off and only check for messages every two hours at most.  And if talking to a honey, ignore texts from your idiot friends.  They’re only going to make you look like a weenie, which is their secret plan all along.

Dare to be a Little Dramatic. Let’s not kid each other.  Kirk could be a bit of a showboat.  Hell, he could be the whole damn Mississippi.  Just look at the flourish he put into whipping that communicator open and saying, “Kirk to Enterpriiise.”  And let’s not get started on that wackadoodle reading of “I’m losing command!” he gives when those creepy children take over the ship.  However, a little, repeat, a little flair will convey you have a sense of awareness and style that sets you apart.  Honestly, no one’s better at this than another James, last name of Bond.  Look at the way that son of a b&%! orders a drink.  Think he goes through all that shaken not stirred crap to amuse himself?  Hell no.  It’s to blow Pussy Galore’s foxy little mind.

9)Flaunt Your Hot Chick Friends. After Spock and Bones, who’s next on the invite list whenever Kirk beams down to a new babe-enriched planet?  That’s right — Lieutenant Uhura.  Kirk knows the presence of a fine female at his side will only make him appear yet more desirable.  This may be a tougher one to pull off, ‘cause you actually have to have a hot chick friend to make this work.  But, oh, it pays dividends.  A good looking woman friend of mine (Miss Skokie, Illinois, ’84) once walked up to a babe I had my eyes on and got the girl’s phone number for me!  Dude, that is a superpower only hot girls can use on each other, so it is well worth the time to invest in a friendship or two with an attractive co-worker or classmate.

10) Make Your Life Sound Important. There were many other starships and captains.  But only Kirk dropped that “five year mission” and “to boldly go where no man has gone before” line because it made him stand out.  Okay, it was his show.  But think of your life as your show.  Do you want that smokin’ blonde to think of you as an assistant credit report analyst…or a financial officer? Do you spend the day data-processing…or are you analyzing risks? Are you stuck having to babysit your sister’s kids…or do you work with children? (Women FREAKING love that, btw.)  You’re not lying.  Well, not so much.  You’re just puffing yourself up a bit to impress the girl, but that’s okay.  I guaran-damn-tee you she’s doing the same.

“Mr. Chekov, I know you and Miss Landon find each other fascinating, but we’re not here to conduct a field experiment in human biology.” Star Trek

Now it’s time to put these lessons to the test.  I said at the beginning you can make these ten tips work for you tonight, and I still mean TONIGHT.  You don’t have to use them all.  No slick car or hot female friend?  No biggie. But you CAN put on a jacket and tie (mandatory) and you CAN establish your own sense of style and presence to set yourself apart.  Kirk nails every woman in the universe with the above truisms, but they spring from his own personality.  In short, Kirk is being true to himself.  And you can do the same.

“Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a woman.”
**  C’mon, he wore an ascot!

This article is dedicated to our hero,
the babe magnet
Captain Kirk, Star Trek

The current day and age, navigating the confusing and often contradictory world of dating rituals can be an intimidating and frustrating experience.

“Never call a man”, “Don’t ask a woman out, get her to ask you”, “Play hard to get”, “Tease her with small insults”, “Cook him a big meal”, “Don’t be too nice to her” and infamous “3 date” or “Two month” or “Six month” rules that schedule events as simple as “when to kiss”, “when to take a vacation together”, “when to propose”, etc. have ruined the spontanaeity and fun of dating. “Do this, don’t do that”. Whatever happened to the REAL purpose of dating: to get to know another individual, to let time take its course and fall in love (for how can someone not fall in love with anyone they enjoy spending time with and learn to appreciate?), and finally enjoying the feeling of being in love and being loved? Unfortunately, American dating rituals and modern customs have made this last, but seminal point of the whole ordeal: to meet and get to know someone you will want to love, almost moot.

Many advice columns and books tell you that if you follow certain rules or tactics, you can make yourself attractive to the opposite sex almost independent of who you are. While I believe it is true that looks is not a very important consideration when you’re looking for the love of your life (he or she may not come in the package you expected), what most advice columns and “dating method” tricks ignore is that you cannot magically make yourself attractive to another and build a healthy relationship with someone if

a) you are an uninteresting person on your own,

b) your life is not together, or

c) the other person’s personality clashes with yours.

In the case where you and your date’s personality clash, well, there’s nothing either one of you can do about it, so it is good to keep in mind when the dating process eventually arrives to its inevitable conclusion. But in this case you’ve both gained something out of the experience: you’ve met and gotten to know someone, and you’ve learned about yourself. If you handle things properly and the personalities are not insidiously incompatible you may have even won a friend. It is just a part of dating.

But in the case of items a) and b), you should ask yourself if this is the REAL reason you are unsuccessful at dating. Perhaps it has nothing to do with whether you called her on a Monday or a Tuesday. Perhaps it is not whether you cooked him fish instead of chicken for dinner on the 3rd date instead of the 5th date. But if you think about it, all your actions–when/if you call, whether you buy her flowers or a card, whether you pick her up or she meets you somewhere, whether you treat her with respect or tease her with insults, whether you kiss him, sleep with him, or just hug him,what you do and where you go during your dates, etc, ALL OF THIS, is a reflection of both of those items.

Is your life not together? Are you unemployed and can’t invite your date out to an activity that you will both enjoy? Do you have other commitments at home that require you to limit the time you have available for dates or cancel them while they are going on? Do you feel unhappy about where your life is going at this point in time? Are you in the process of moving away to some other location? Are you new in town? All of these circumstances and situations will affect how you date, and your personal situation will sooner or later become evident to the person you’re dating. If you’ve been smart enough to choose someone worthwhile to date, who has the same goals in dating as yourself (we’re assuming the only real purpose of dating is what we stated at the beginning: to meet and find someone to love), then when you don’t have your life in order they will immediately realize that investing in a long term relationship with you is probably a risky prospect. Many people might decide not to get further involved with you if this is the case.

Are you an uninteresting person? Are you negative, sarcastic, or a general buzz kill? Do you have angry outbursts? Are you selfish? (selfishness is the biggest turnoff for women, while neediness seems to be the biggest turnoff for men). Or perhaps you don’t have any serious personality flaws but your life revolves around work and TV (or work and videogames, which seems to be the Bay Area equivalent!). Do you have fun hobbies that someone else (i.e. your date) might like to learn about or share? Do you have an exciting social life that your date might want to participate in? Are you happy? It goes without saying that throughout the dating process both sexes evaluate what the other person brings to the relationship. If you are unable to contribute in an amount equal to what your date brings, chances are the relationship won’t go very far.

“Well, alright, these are all good points, but how does that help me when dating?” you might ask. Well, the biggest secret to dating is –that there is just one secret. And this one secret is this: Are you happy? It is this question that encompasses all of those items a, b, and c. above. If you are a genuinely, unhesistatingly, and enthusiastically happy, you’ll be an irresistible date. Everybody likes to be around positive, high-energy people who are confident and content with where their life is at the moment. Rules will suddenly not matter, because if you’re happy you’ll have the confidence to break or follow conventions and rituals according to what feels right for the situation. If you are happy, too, you will know when to let go of dates or situations that are draining, unhealthy, or are not leading you to where you want to go.

O.K., I forgot. There IS another little secret. And it is this: date only happy people. Yes, they are rare (because many people say that they are happy when everything in their life reflects that they aren’t), but when you find one, and you are happy too, I guarantee you that your dating experience will be all that it was always meant to be: wonderful.

by TechieGirl

Dating in a Struggling Economy

By Angie Peckham

Everyone wants love.  It’s a simple fact of life.  We like the idea of someone finding us so amazing that they’d rather be spending time with us than doing almost anything else (not that I can actually think of anything anyone would rather do than spend time with us, but you know the opposite sex – they’re slippery).

The point is, we are addicted to our mating ritual.  We crave the butterflies we feel at the beginning of a relationship.  We anticipate that first kiss and making sure the pheromones are all working the way they should be.  We dream about settling into a gentle game of playing house once the initial excitement has abated.  We love being in love.

Finding that special person to happily fall asleep with and slowly wake up with is complicated enough without the economy throwing us a curveball.  So what are we, the poor, the struggling, the unemployed to do?  Are we to sit at home in the dark, getting more and more depressed, isolated from workday human interaction and denied the experience of feeling those butterflies and playing house?

Some might think that if you are unemployed, you should not be out having fun at all.  They believe that you must spend all of your waking hours on your job search.  These people are normally amongst the employed.  We don’t like them.  What those naysayers fail to realize is that you need the human interaction.  You need the emotional and intellectual stimulation, dangit, and you need to get out and see the world once in awhile.

What you may not recognize, while you’re sitting around moping and eating everything in your fridge out of boredom, is that a struggling economy can actually be a blessing in disguise.  Just think – now you can date people with irregular schedules.

You know that fireman you’ve noticed when you’re out doing your grocery shopping?  The one with the shiny red truck and the large hose?  He has an irregular schedule, and now, you have a schedule perfectly suited to dating him.  The hot blonde behind the bar with the tight top and the great assets?  Guess what time she gets off work?  You don’t have to get up in the morning.  Therefore, you can handle her schedule, and then, if you’re lucky, her assets.  Think police, wait staff, DJ’s, musicians.  Your being unemployed has suddenly opened up an entirely new dating pool for you.

Now that you’re aware of the unemployment bright side, you need to figure out how to date on a limited budget.  This is the really sucky reality of unemployed dating, but it can be done.  Here are some things to keep in mind:

Be Honest – Be up front about your situation with potential dates.  If you have an online dating profile, make it clear that you are currently a victim of the economy, but that you are excited about your prospects for the future.  You will inevitably be asked what you do for a living if you meet someone in a social situation.  Have an answer ready.  Lucky for you, the economy is bad all the way around.  A lot of people have lost their jobs, and everyone knows someone who has been affected, so there are a lot of understanding and sympathetic people out there.

Don’t Spend – It’s very hard to be a social butterfly if you don’t have the cash to do so.  Do you have friends who play in a band or work in a bar or nightclub?  Have them put you “on the list.”  This allows you to get in for free and possibly meet someone new.  If you’re a guy, the pressure to buy someone you’ve met a drink can feel overwhelming, so decide ahead of time if this is the kind of outing you’re going to have.  If you’re a girl, you’re a little luckier, as someone will likely buy you a drink at some point.  Only attend free events.  Concerts in the park, exploration of the city, throwing some darts, going on a hike – all of these are fun, interactive and free or virtually free.

Even buying the gas to get to an event can be a struggle, so factor that into your costs when planning outings, and if you’re the one dating a financially struggling person, keep in mind the cost of having them come to you.

Get Active – We are no good to anyone else if we aren’t being good to ourselves.  The worst thing you can do for yourself when you lose your job is hide out in your house.  If you were on an exercise regimen before your situation changed, keep it up.  In fact, now’s the time to step it up.  You get to enjoy the gym when nobody else is there.  You get the bike paths to yourself.  You can go running at 11:00pm if you like.  It doesn’t matter what you choose.  Just choose something.  If you feel good about yourself, that vibe will carry and you will attract others.

Have Fun – When you’re out on a date, keep the conversation light and have fun.  Try to forget your troubles for a little while and enjoy the company you’re with.  Who knows?  Maybe you’ll end up seeing a lot more of them.

How to Master dating American Women

American dating rituals can keep a lot of surprises in store for the unsuspecting ex-pat, even one who was successful with women in his own country. This culture shock will manifest itself in american women taking some unexpected actions in their interactions with men.

IMOP (I Made Other Plans)

When you have been IMOPed, it’s usually when you are trying to firm up some tentative plans that were made previously. Typically you will agree with the girl to set aside some time in each other’s calendars to spend some time together. The date and an approximate time are agreed. You also agree that the specific time, location and activity will be confirmed later when you call closer to the agreed time.

You then call closer to the agreed time, and are shocked at the audacity of the girl saying “Oh I didn’t hear from you, so I made other plans.”

Your first instinct is to say, “but you did hear from me, we agreed to meet at the date and time specified, now here I am calling as promised to get the details sorted.”

Despite feeling like you have been insulted, arguing with her using logic is pointless. From her point of view, you left it too close to the date to call her. There was a time at which she was expecting you to call, and once that time had passed, she made the following assumptions:

• You had decided to cancel the date
• You were not going to tell her that the date was cancelled because you don’ t have the manners to do so
• The fact that you didn’t call when she wanted you to proves that you aren’t taking her seriously enough
• She was under no obligation to tell you that she had canceled the date

Her canceling the date is a deliberate rebuke designed to show you that she has a veto over any decision made in the relationship, and that she is willing to sacrifice your time with her if you do not comply with her requirements.

From your perspective, you are probably wondering the following:

“How on Earth was I supposed to know exactly when to call?”

American women have a different idea of making plans than people in other countries. Planning is carried out much further ahead, and once a plan is made it is written in stone, with the exception that she reserves the right to change the plan.

Knowing when to call (Tc) is also fraught with dangers, since calling too soon can make it sound like you’re too keen and therefore a desperate loser, and calling too late can get you IMOPed. As a rule of thumb, take the time between when the tentative arrangement was made (Ta), and the time when the date was scheduled for (Td), and find the halfway mark between them. That is your optimum time to call. Therefore Tc=Td-((Td-Ta)/2).

“Why would she assume I was canceling the date?”

American culture has women on a pedestal while men are portrayed as dishonest, unfaithful, untrustworthy, and only interested in sex. The accuracy or otherwise of that perception is beyond the scope of this article, but the culture of cynicism that it has spawned is so widespread that honest men who make innocent little slip-ups find themselves having to apologize for their actions that are interpreted as deliberate acts of anti-female behavior. If you have been IMOPed, it is likely that she assumed the worst about you and tarred you with the same brush as all the dishonest american men she either dated previously or heard reports about from her friends or on TV talk shows with female-dominated audiences. It’s nothing personal, so it is best not to take it as such.

“If she had her doubts about whether or not the date was still on, why didn’t she just call and ask?”

American dating culture is averse to women calling men. Women are conditioned into having what borders on a phobia about it. In her mind, the man is supposed to pursue her, and for her to call you is to make her sound desperate and compromise her status as a strong and independent woman. Furthermore, american women expect to be able to page men telepathically (see next section). You should never expect an American woman to call you, even if she said that she would.

The Telepathic Page

Paging someone by conventional means involves calling them, getting a recorded message, and pressing a button that triggers a message on the person’s phone asking them to call you back.

Paging someone telepathically is where an American woman will decide that you are supposed to call her at a given time, but she will not tell you this. Instead she will expect you to somehow know that you are meant to call her. When you fail to get this telepathic message, this triggers a negative reaction in her that takes the following forms in ascending order of seriousness:

• Mild resentment
• Strong resentment
• Sulking
• Speculation about why you didn’t call
• Hysterical calls to all of her friends asking for their opinions on why you didn’t call
• IMOPing

Calculating Tc when there is a Ta and Td present is relatively straightforward. However, there are other times during dating that you will be paged telepathically, and knowing when it is is something that cannot be broken down into a formula. It varies from woman to woman. Some women have specific rules about it, and if you are lucky she will let you know what they are, but in general it will be after you have missed at least one telepathic page. This will usually be enough to give you an idea, and as you get to know the woman better you will be able to judge when you need to call.

The need to be spontaneously contacted is a trait that derives from primitive societies. The female needs to know that her partner will always be around and will come looking for her when she needs him even if she is incapacitated and is unable to contact him.

Paying

Like tipping in restaurants, the etiquette of who pays for what in American dating has enough pitfalls for non-Americans to fill an entire season of Seinfeld.

If you invite a girl out on a first date that involves spending money, it’s customary for you to pay. If you keep going on dates with the same girl, you may gradually increase the amount she pays until you end up going Dutch. This provides a good financial incentive for you to make your dates successful, since there are women who deliberately go on dates with no intention of getting into a relationship with the man, but see it as entertainment and free dinner. A string of first dates can be expensive, which perhaps explains the popularity of the coffee date which is more affordable than a large meal. If you find that you are falling victim to so-called dinner whores, you may prefer to switch to activity dates where there is less expense involved and the entertainment is provided by what you’re doing as opposed to what you’re buying, which is a richer dating experience in general anyway.

Spending some amount of money on her is the modern version of showing your value to a female. In simpler times you would convey your value as a mate by catching some food and bringing it home for her. It telegraphs that you have the food-gathering capabilities necessary to support her and any children you would have with her. Modern material goods can subconsciously convey the same message, but you only have to do it once. If you do it too much, it will become expensive for you and will make her think you are trying to buy her affection with a substitute for the other qualities required in a mate.

Picking her up

At some stage in the courtship, an American women will expect you to pick her up in your car. This may not apply if you live in a high density city where people get around predominantly on foot using mass transit and car ownership is low, but even in that case it may be beneficial to pick her up in a cab at least once in order to give her the same psychological reassurance that you have the resources to ferry her around.

Her need for this is derived from a need to know that a potential mate is mobile and would be capable of moving her and the children around when the need arises.

Practice
Dating America Women can be a lot of fun once you have mastered it.
Practice will make it easier, but you should not expect better results overnight.

Relationship Help for MenThis article is written by a man who has been through Frustrating Online Dating Experiences (FODEs), but has since learned how to overcome the problems.

Characteristics of a FODE include most of the following:

• Long hours spent browsing profiles
• Long hours spent composing well thought-out emails
• A response rate of 50% or lower
• Flaky dates and last-minute cancellations
• Failure to improve results even when lowering the standard of target women
• Overall frustration with dating and resentment towards women

Frustration arises from two sources. One is a sensation of wasted time. You may spend a disproportionate amount of time on the computer trying to set your dates up compared to the amount of time you actually spend on the dates themselves and meeting people.

The second source of frustration is unreliable dates that either postpone repeatedly, cancel at the last minute, or in the worst case scenario, stand you up completely.

These problems can be magnified if Online Dating (ODing) is your only channel of meeting women, and especially if it is the only form of social contact that you are using. In that situation, having a FODE can make you feel like your entire social life is not going well, causing significant emotional damage.

These problems can be overcome.

First and foremost, ODing should be used as a supplement to and not a substitute for more ‘natural’ means of meeting people, such as in bars, in the grocery store, at the mall, in sports clubs, and so on. It should certainly not act as a substitute for friendship; if ODs are the only social contact you have outside of work, you need to work on your social circle and get some friends into your life. Fixing this will give you other social outlets so that even if you are having a bit of a FODE, it only affects a relatively small proportion of your social life and limits any emotional damage to an insignificant level.

Dealing with a low response rate requires some understanding of the social dynamics of attraction and the effects of ODing.

As a survival instinct, men have an in-built anxiety about approaching attractive women that they haven’t met before, since in a primitive society approaching a girl from a different tribe could end up getting you killed if you approach one who is taken. Our society has moved on so that we now have rules that stop potential rivals from killing us, but the emotional wiring in our brains might take another million years to catch up, and in the meantime we still have this anxiety. ODing makes it easier to contact people who are looking for the things that you have to offer since it removes approach anxiety. A side effect is that it makes it too easy. Girls, particularly attractive ones, are therefore bombarded by emails from men to the point where they simply cannot answer all that they receive. It’s nothing personal, it’s just a simple logistical reality.

Why aren’t men bombarded with emails to the same extent? Is it because the man is supposed to pursue and the woman is supposed to select out of some social custom about chivalry? Not at all. It is because of the differences in the way men and women are attracted to each other.

Men are initially attracted to women based on survival and replication characteristics. The ability to bear children who are likely to be attractive enough to carry on your genes is neatly conveyed in a few straightforward physical attributes such as breast size, hip-to-weight ratio, overall shape, youthfulness, and general attractiveness. These are attributes that are easy to convey in a photo. The stimulus of a photo is enough to get men on the ODing circuit sending emails.

Women are attracted to men not based on how they look (although that is a factor) but on how they act. Are you good with your hands so that you can build and maintain a nest for the children? Are you reliable enough that you will be around to look after the children? Are you self-sufficient enough that you can provide food and shelter for her and the children? Are you sociable enough that you can summon help from a large group of friends when the going gets tough? Are you the leader of a group and hence more likely to provide a good life for the children? These are attributes that cannot easily be summed up in a photograph, they generally have to be conveyed by other means, and ODing is not an ideal means of doing so.

Furthermore, sex has potentially bigger consequences for women that it has for men, so they have to be very careful about who they select. This is why men seem to be trying to have sex and women seem to be trying to avoid it.

So ODing can be frustrating for both sexes. Men get frustrated from spending so much time and effort sending emails that fail to convey their value as a partner, and women get frustrated from having to spend so much time sifting through a mountain of emails in search of one that conveys value.

If you’re a good writer, you can communicate a certain amount of your value in your written profile. However, it is only through interaction and conversation that you can truly build comfort and attraction on the woman’s part. The job of your online profile is to pique enough of her interest that she will want to meet you and find out more. A photograph of you in the company of other friends at a social event, particularly attractive female friends having a good time and laughing at what you say, will be a lot more effective than one of you sitting alone at your desk posing for your webcam. Text that is funny, witty, relaxed, and probably doesn’t even mention what you’re looking for will be a lot more effective than a desperate and lonely plea for a partner that you badly need. A relationship is made of two whole people, not two half people, so you need to look like you have your act together, are a happy person, have other people (particularly females) in your life, and can function confidently and happily without a girlfriend, but are open to the possibility of one.

The main joy of socializing is finding out what makes someone tick. If you tell all there is to know about you in your profile, you leave nothing left to find out about you once you meet. Don’t give the whole game away before you’ve even met.

Invite the female reader to take up the challenge of meeting you if she thinks she has what it takes. Your value should be high enough that you can talk in terms of her having to convince you that you should meet, rather than vice versa.

Once you get as far as meeting, a common source of FODEs is a high quantity of low quality dates. The standard complaint is about ten dates in one week that in hindsight all seemed the same, it was difficult to recall which person was which, and they all seemed like job interviews in which both parties simply swapped resumes. A question-and-answer session in which each person asks and answers the standard questions of where they live, what they do and where they’re from is going to produce few memorable experiences for either party no matter how much you have in common.

The afternoon coffee date is perhaps the worst cliché of all. Meeting in a coffee shop to verbally swap resumes over coffee before she leaves to fulfill her evening plans is a sure fire way to have an unsuccessful date. A more interesting date will involve the following characteristics:

• You in charge. If you canvas her opinion on where you should meet, what you should do, and where you want to go next, she will lose respect for you. Be a man and lead – she will respect you more. If she says that she can’t go where you say for whatever reason, then don’t force the issue, but you should at least put it out there that you’re calling the shots initially and are starting the discussion about what you two are doing.
• At least one fun activity in which the other person can participate, since it helps her to relax rather than having to work to keep a conversation going out of thin air. An activity can be a stimulus for further conversation, and may give you a chance to demonstrate your value depending on the activity.
• Multiple locations. Move the girl to another location in the venue for a change of scene, and if you can, bounce to another venue where a slightly different scene may be on offer. It gives her more memories of you and makes time go faster.
• Social proof. Go somewhere where someone knows your name, perhaps having the initial meeting in your own local bar where she can come in and see other people (preferably other females) speaking to you. This telegraphs to her that you are a socially active person with a network of friends that you can count on, and not some loser who hides in his home. For the privacy necessary to carry on the date, you can then bounce to another location.
• As late a time in the evening as possible. This will discourage her from making backup plans with her friends whom she can say are waiting to meet her afterwards.
• Some touching. If a girl telegraphs interest in you, it is okay to do a little bit of touching, such as a gentle nudge on the elbow, a touch here and there on the arm, and so on. Do not just put your hand there and leave it though, touch and then withdraw so that she gets comfortable with it. As comfort builds, you’ll be able to touch a little more and she will reciprocate. If you put her hand on your knee, remove your hand, and hers stays there, it’s a good sign.
• Cocky teasing talk. On first meeting, your job is to throw in little teasing, funny, backhanded compliments with some cold water poured on them so that the girl will laugh, but will subconsciously reassure her that you’re not hitting on her by fawning all over her. Never compliment a girl unless she has earned it, especially an attractive one. Telling a hot girl that she is hot is to sound desperate and to sound like every other guy that she has brushed off. You can only do this after she has said something nice to you and given other indicators of interest, such as touching her hair, fixing her gaze on you, laughing at your every joke, and so on. If she does compliment you, accept it and thank her.
• Stories that convey your value. Have stories lined up about how your friends are loyal to you, how you are successful in your career, and how you are a deep thinker, but by way of anecdotes rather than outright bragging. Tell a story where the main focus is not how great you are, the value-added stuff should be conveyed in little throwaway remarks.
• Sincerity. Don’t lie and make things up about yourself, unless it’s part of some comedy routine where you convince her that you’re a Concorde pilot only to let her down to earth with your real job.
• A firm arrangement to meet again at an event that you already plan to go to, as opposed to an obscure question of whether or not she wants to hang out again ‘sometime,’ whenever that is. If you have built enough comfort and attraction with her, she will be inclined to see you again if you put an image in her head of a meeting at a specific time and location. If you leave it too open, it could remain open for evermore.

On the issue of looks, genetic looks in a man are not as important as you may think. This is evidenced by the number of incredibly attractive women who you may have noticed hanging out with guys who you probably don’t consider to be all that attractive. What is more important is that you’re in reasonable shape, well groomed, and well dressed. These are all things over which you have considerable control.

In all, you need to be an already well-rounded person before you can get the most out of ODing. You should be confident in groups, have a network of friends, be a leader, be assertive, not be needy, and above all you should be using ODing as one of many weapons in your arsenal. Getting frustrated and blaming all women for a FODE is not going to help you to meet a partner, and it is certainly not going to make you look attractive if you let women see that you are having a FODE, for that is lowering your value in their estimation by branding yourself a loser.

Lowering the standard of women you try to meet is unlikely to help you, and will only sell yourself short. You do not have to settle for less, you can keep your standards high if you work to raise your own value and to improve your ability to communicate your value. Remember the hot girl you saw who looked like the most beautiful woman in the world? Someone has to settle down with her and have children with her. Why shouldn’t it be you?

You may need to compile a self-improvement to-do list and work your way through it before you notice any difference in your results. That requires initiative, determination, a willingness to learn, and the ability to take personal responsibility for your own wellbeing.

In all of this, think of the men who are hooking up with attractive women and remember this one important mantra: What one man can do, another can do.

Recommended reading:
The Game, Penetrating the secret society of pickup artists, by Neil Strauss
The Mystery Method, How to get beautiful women into bed, by Mystery