“I’ve already got a female to worry about.
Her name is the Enterprise.” Captain Kirk, Star Trek
Star Trek James T. Kirk, Starship Captain, Starfleet Admiral, Mack Daddy
Wanna get lucky tonight? The fact that you’re reading this article tells me the answer is “yes.” Well, read along and learn how that sci-fi classic Star Trek, and specifically the great teacher himself, James Tiberius Kirk, has taught man all he needs to know about hooking up.
Just so we’re clear, I’m talking about real Star Trek, i.e. the 1966-69 series broadcast on NBC, and not that simpering, flatulent imposter known as Star Trek: The Next Generation. What’s the difference, you ask? Shut up. Okay, fine, you want a difference? Real Trek has clear-cut post-World War II era values (we’re here to spread peace – OUR kind of peace) liberally intermingled with philosophy, satire, and pop psychology. Plus, the Klingons are stone-cold badasses. TNG has pandering moral lessons, thuddingly obvious metaphors, and that neutered house pet Worf. Seriously, what’s Klingon for “Uncle Tom?” More pertinent to our discussion, real Trek has bouffanted yeomen in bullet bras, and drool-worthy guest hotties like Yvonne Craig and Sherry Jackson in all manner of skimpy outfits. TNG has Whoopi Goldberg dressed as a Franciscan nun. What about star trek Voyager? I will not dignify that question with an answer.
I wish to further state I have not watched Star Trek since it was broadcast late at night on local New York television back when I was going to NYU in the ‘80s. And I was usually baked at least half the time. So if I misremember the occasional detail or quote, I don’t want to be the recipient of a 2,000 word indignant e-mail from any kind of Trekkie or Trekker or any other emotionally-stunted member of the Trek Taliban. I am not going to recount individual episodes chapter and verse because, plastic-eared arguments to the contrary, that is not a skill to be proud of.
“Brace yourself. The area of penetration will no doubt be sensitive.”
I grew up in the 70s, which meant I was raised on the television of the 60s because those shows were in syndication all day and night. And so I learned from an early age to pattern myself on the swinging decade’s televised alpha males; Joe Mannix, Napoleon Solo, James West, Thurston Howell**, all the top studs.
And make no mistake, every hour-long drama with a male lead was about one thing: watching that guy get laid. Wrongly convicted doctor Richard Kimball (The Fugitive) popped up in a new town every week, ostensibly on the run from the law while searching for the his wife’s real killer. Yet he always seemed to have plenty of time to bang Suzanne Pleshette or whoever was that episode’s guest babe. Cat burglar Al Mundy (It Takes a Thief), slick as a greased eel, was sprung from prison to steal for the government which he most enthusiastically did…right after he porked every woman above the age of consent on three continents. Oh, you never saw the porkage, but the show made it damn clear what would be happening after the end credits. Robert Wagner would take the girl’s arm, crack a smarmy double-entendre, and wink at the camera. He may as well have dangled a Trojan Magnum and a handful of roofies.
(BTW, as I rough draft this article at a diner off I-5, there’s a gay Cuban couple in the booth next to me. They’re alternately arguing in rapid-fire Spanish and taking pictures of everything on their table. Way to set the ambiance, guys.)
“My people pride themselves on being the greatest, most successful gamblers in the universe. We compete for everything -- power, fame, women -- everything we desire, and it is our nature ... to win.” Star Trek
This brings us to James T. Kirk. Our sensei. We are but masterless ronin wandering the bars and dating sites and co-workers’ wedding receptions, looking for the right woman who will do all the wrong things. Kirk is our master, he who unites us through his wise teachings. Because in that great televised bachelor pad, Kirk was different. He got laid in the future. Yet his maxims reverberate to the present because they are applicable to any era, be it 1968, stardate 3045.1, or TONIGHT.
Here then are Star Treks, Captain Kirk’s 10 Ways to get a girl:
1) Dress Well. You ever see Kirk in baggy shorts and geeky tech engineering tradeshow cap? ‘Course not. He’s always rockin’ that Federation uniform, shirt tucked in and shoes polished. Next time you go out, set yourself apart from the horndog rabble by selecting a black sport jacket and slacks. A black suit is even better. Why black? So you can spill stuff on it, dummy, and still look like you posess an aura of cool mystery. Plus you’ve probably heard black is slimming and it is. That’s why so many hot chicks wear it. But don’t be the dork who wears all black. Unless the name on your birth certificate is Johnny Cash, you’ll look like a pretentious tool. Make sure you bring out contrast (and get yourself noticed) with a light colored shirt and bright tie.
2) Bring a Wingman. Two are even better. It shorthands you have social skills. Why else do you think Kirk brought Spock and Doctor McCoy with him everywhere? Savvy as always, Kirk also made sure his wingmen would be no competition in the looks department. Truth be told, Kirk is a rather unremarkable looking guy, already getting a gut in his mid-30’s. But then get a look at the heavybrowed train wreck that is Spock, or the crumpled wrapping paper visage of Bones, who looked old enough to be his own grandpa, and you see why Kirk got his pick of the green-skinned litter.
3) Drive a Decent Vehicle. Kirk rolls in the USS Enterprise, sleekest ship in the galaxy. And make no mistake, the alien poon goddesses love it, especially when they get a look at the captain’s massive…chair. Don’t let your potential quest see you take the bus, ‘cause it will be game over. Women want to see the car. Why? Because it shorthands both your taste and earning potential. Full disclosure: I’m currently unemployed. All I had to eat today was a peanut butter sandwich. Yet I’ll give up food altogether before surrendering my Infiniti because that car makes women think I’m still solvent. I can always tell them the truth over breakfast. (If I was the sort of unoriginal putz who used emoticons, I’d wink there.) If you don’t have a car, then again, avoid the bus. Take a cab when hitting the town in search of ladies. It will make a difference. Remember, Kirk had no problems taking the shuttle now and again.
4) Keep a Clean House. Again, this brings us to the Enterprise. Not only was it a flying babe magnet, but it also served as a plush crib. (Do kids still say “crib?” Do kids still call each other “kids?”) Once an Orion slave girl was in Kirk’s captains quarters, she was all his. In the blessed event you do bring a woman back home, make sure you’ve already put the Lucky Charms-encrusted dishes in the washing machine, picked last week’s BVD’s off the floor, and for the love of god, made the bed. And even though we’re all Star Trek fans here, best to put that model of the Romulan drone ship into the closet. Or trash.
5) Embrace the Exotic. This one is literal. Kirk banged every type of female there was regardless of skin color or home planet. You may think you have a type and doggedly hold out for only that, but all you’re doing is making what could be an already-daunting situation even tougher. Ever notice on countless TV procedural dramas, the hot girl who gets evicerated is a different type from episode to episode? That’s ‘cause if they killed a blonde cheerleader every show, you’d get bored. So they kill off a slinky Asian babe one week, a smokin’ black girl the next, a red hot brunette the following ep…you get the idea. Just so we (and my lawyer) are clear, I’m not suggesting you emulate a serial killer. I’m just advising you sample from the buffet, and always be ready to try something – or someone – new.
6) Have a Quip On Your Lip. From the mind of James T. Kirk: “Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That’s the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim.” See? The guy’s a riot. Well, maybe not so much, but he is dryly witty. Granted, this is not an exact science because humor is subjective. You like Adam Sandler? Chances are you do because someone is going to his movies and it sure as shit ain’t me. On the other hand, I absolutely love the 1987 flop Ishtar. Yep, I’m that guy. Anyway, my point is that you can use the same funny line on five different gals and get five different responses. Stick with the girl who laughs; the others will be too much damn work.
7) Accessorize (within reason). The phaser and communicator aren’t just nifty gadgets, they complete Kirk’s look. Each is elegant and functional, but not gaudy. And more important, Kirk doesn’t fuss about with them when getting his mack on. Yeah, I’m talking to you, junior, always texting or looking up who starred in Early Edition just to impress some co-worker. (Anyway, it was Kyle Chandler.) As a rule, turn your phone off and only check for messages every two hours at most. And if talking to a honey, ignore texts from your idiot friends. They’re only going to make you look like a weenie, which is their secret plan all along.
Dare to be a Little Dramatic. Let’s not kid each other. Kirk could be a bit of a showboat. Hell, he could be the whole damn Mississippi. Just look at the flourish he put into whipping that communicator open and saying, “Kirk to Enterpriiise.” And let’s not get started on that wackadoodle reading of “I’m losing command!” he gives when those creepy children take over the ship. However, a little, repeat, a little flair will convey you have a sense of awareness and style that sets you apart. Honestly, no one’s better at this than another James, last name of Bond. Look at the way that son of a b&%! orders a drink. Think he goes through all that shaken not stirred crap to amuse himself? Hell no. It’s to blow Pussy Galore’s foxy little mind.
9)Flaunt Your Hot Chick Friends. After Spock and Bones, who’s next on the invite list whenever Kirk beams down to a new babe-enriched planet? That’s right — Lieutenant Uhura. Kirk knows the presence of a fine female at his side will only make him appear yet more desirable. This may be a tougher one to pull off, ‘cause you actually have to have a hot chick friend to make this work. But, oh, it pays dividends. A good looking woman friend of mine (Miss Skokie, Illinois, ’84) once walked up to a babe I had my eyes on and got the girl’s phone number for me! Dude, that is a superpower only hot girls can use on each other, so it is well worth the time to invest in a friendship or two with an attractive co-worker or classmate.
10) Make Your Life Sound Important. There were many other starships and captains. But only Kirk dropped that “five year mission” and “to boldly go where no man has gone before” line because it made him stand out. Okay, it was his show. But think of your life as your show. Do you want that smokin’ blonde to think of you as an assistant credit report analyst…or a financial officer? Do you spend the day data-processing…or are you analyzing risks? Are you stuck having to babysit your sister’s kids…or do you work with children? (Women FREAKING love that, btw.) You’re not lying. Well, not so much. You’re just puffing yourself up a bit to impress the girl, but that’s okay. I guaran-damn-tee you she’s doing the same.
“Mr. Chekov, I know you and Miss Landon find each other fascinating, but we’re not here to conduct a field experiment in human biology.” Star Trek
Now it’s time to put these lessons to the test. I said at the beginning you can make these ten tips work for you tonight, and I still mean TONIGHT. You don’t have to use them all. No slick car or hot female friend? No biggie. But you CAN put on a jacket and tie (mandatory) and you CAN establish your own sense of style and presence to set yourself apart. Kirk nails every woman in the universe with the above truisms, but they spring from his own personality. In short, Kirk is being true to himself. And you can do the same.
“Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a woman.”
** C’mon, he wore an ascot!