Stop Playing the Dating Game

As a single person active in the dating scene, be careful not to fall into the trap of playing the dating game. It is human nature to seek order from chaos and dating is no different. Resist the temptation to sort, categorize, judge and label dating as just another activity or worse, simply a game. The way you view something you do has a strong influence, both consciously and subconsciously, on how you approach it. If you consider dating a game, then that’s what will happen.

Playing a game is about being competitive and playing to win. Whether it is a casual card game with friends at home or a professional poker tournament, the goal of winning affects your personality, attitude and overall approach. Someone playing a game is focused on winning the game, not making friends. Forget about moderately bad behavior such as arrogance, boasting, and bragging: many of the worst human traits such as lying, cheating and fighting rear their ugly heads during game play. Expressions like “winner take all” and “winning at any cost” capture the true spirit of the contest.

When you play a game, you are focused on winning, plain and simple. Winning is not just achieving a goal, it also means insuring your competitors fail. You can win not because of your own accomplishments but by blocking your competitors instead. This creates a lot of conflicting energy.You constantly evaluate every situation and decide whether to push further with your own efforts (positive) or attempt to sabotage your opponents (negative).

Game play is a zero-sum activity. In order for you to win, someone else has to lose. For you to be happy, someone else has to be sad. For you to reach your goal, someone else has to fail to achieve their goal.

So what does this mean for dating? Well, there are two possible ways to view dating as a game instead of a social interaction, you can view yourself in competition with everyone else vying for the perfect date and relationship or worse, you might view yourself in competition directly with your date. Unfortunately, it is quiet natural to consider yourself in competition for a date, But think about how this influences many of your choices and actions. Are you choosing your clothes, makeup, and accessories to accent your appearance and complement your natural beauty or are you trying to outdo your competition? Are you driving the car you want to drive or the one you think will impress your date? Are you participating in the groups and clubs you enjoy or only the one you think will advance your social status?

What does it mean to “win “ in this situation? Someone has to lose and that most likely is a close friend, business associate, family member or acquaintance. Is it worth the cost? Do you really want to lose that lifelong friend for what may turn out to be a short-lived fling or relationship? Who really is the winner and the loser?

Now consider what it means to be in competition with your date. Everything you say and do is carefully contrived to prove your superiority or success. Conversation is focused on all the great things you have done, your accomplishments and achievements. Instead of a casual give- and-take, it becomes mainly a one-way street more closely resembling a speech or advertisement. Constantly on your guard to put your best foot forward, you’re afraid to expose your honest feelings and beliefs.

Unfortunately, in the game of competing with your date there is never a winner. If you win, you still lose because the picture you’ve painted is not a true reflection of your personality and what you have to offer and your date will quickly learn the truth in spite of your efforts.

In case you haven’t realized it yet, the solution is very straightforward. Stop playing the dating game. By all means continue to date, but don’t treat it as a game. Dating is a personal, face-to-face social interaction for two people to get to know each other. Approach your dates openly and honestly without a hidden agenda or “game plan”. Relax, be yourself, and above all, have a good time. By all means emphasize your positive attributes, make interesting conversation, but don’t slip into the role of game playing, anticipating the next move, or worrying about strategy. The funny thing is, I bet you’ll enjoy your dates more, have fun, and possibly find yourself meeting the special someone that has eluded you so far.

 

Author – Michelle Rose