What One Crusty Old Bachelor Is Looking For

By Silicon Valley Jim

 I’m fifty-seven years old.  I’m as straight as can be.  I’m well-educated.  I’m, tall, well-groomed and I dress pretty well.  I own my own home – free and clear.  I don’t smoke, drink only in moderation, and don’t do drugs.  In short, I have a lot of the characteristics that women say they want in a man.  Yet I’ve never been married, and have spent the vast majority of the past forty years without a girl-friend.  It’s not that I’m not interested; it’s that I haven’t found what I want.  This piece is about what I want in a woman.

If you don’t like men, I’m not going to be interested very long.  It’s been fashionable to bash men for some time now.  Women are, of course, free to do so.  I’m free not to have anything to do with those women.  If you don’t like men, there’s no point in pursuing me, nor is there any point in pursuing you.  I will interpret statements such as “men are all lazy”, “men are all slobs”, or “men are all liars” as evidence that the speaker doesn’t like men.

Be nice to me.  I’ve heard many women say “you just want somebody subservient”.  No, I don’t.  I want a woman who is as nice to me as other men are.  Other men don’t, for example, interpret everything that I say in the worst possible way.  Other men don’t insist on having dinner at one specific restaurant.  If three men decide to go out to dinner, it may be that each of them has one restaurant at which he doesn’t want to eat, or even one kind of food that he doesn’t want to eat, but none of them will insist on a specific restaurant.

You should look reasonably good and dress well for me to be interested in you.  Now, I don’t look like a thirty-year-old Robert Redford, and I don’t expect you to look like a thirty-year-old Jaclyn Smith.  I do, however, keep myself in shape by bicycling three- to four-thousand miles a year and doing a few other things.  At just under five feet, nine inches tall, I weigh between one-hundred fifty-five and one-hundred sixty pounds (I get a bit heavier when the weather prevents me from riding).  If you don’t value yourself enough to keep your weight under control, I’m not going to be interested in you.

I want a woman with a nice voice.  Once again, I’m not looking for perfection.  You don’t have to sound like Audrey Hepburn did.  Sounding like Joan Rivers or Hillary Clinton isn’t a good idea, however.  Women from England, Australia, Japan, and China nearly always have nice voices.  You can, too.

I value culture and education in both men and women.  I don’t care whether you have a PhD.  I do care whether you are interested in ideas and in learning things just for the joy of learning.  Be curious about things.  They don’t have to be the same things about which I’m curious.

Be responsible and trustworthy.  You should be able to manage your own money.  You should keep from getting drunk.  I expect you to do what you say that you are going to do.  That includes showing up on time.  I’m not interested in why you didn’t do what you said you were going to do.  I’m interested only in whether you did it.  I also expect you always to tell the truth.  If I catch you in one lie, we’re through.

Let me be myself.  That includes some things that are true of most men, and some things that are true of me, but not of most men.  I don’t dance; don’t ask me.  I won’t go to any sort of session on “personal growth” or anything similar.  I’ll improve myself, at my own pace, and in the manner that I want.  I have enthusiasms; they range from the novels of P.G. Wodehouse to mythology and neuroscience.  Don’t make fun of them.  I like beer.  I also drink wine, straight bourbon, and straight brandy.  I don’t like mixed drinks.  I like Italian sausage, good bread, apricots, apples, pears, tomatoes, and peas.  I don’t like eggs, peanut butter, or Brussels sprouts.  When I say “no”, that’s what it means; it doesn’t mean that I’ll say “yes” if you’re persistent enough.  I abhor amplified music.  I don’t find shopping enjoyable.  I agree with Beau Brummel that if anybody notices what I’m wearing, I’m not well-dressed, so I don’t wear any clothing that’s pink, purple, tangerine, etc.  I happen to be a somewhat-accomplished musician, and, while I wouldn’t insist on it, I’d prefer somebody who understands that Mozart’s music is a whole lot better than Bob Dylan’s or Bruce Springsteen’s.

Respect my skills.  As it happens, I have some skills in areas that are typically regarded as feminine:  I sew well enough to alter my shirts, I knit pretty well, and I bake excellent bread.  I do my own laundry, and iron my own clothes.  I have some more traditionally masculine skills, as well:  I also change the oil and filter in my car and rotate its tires, build my own bicycle wheels, and fix plumbing.  Since I was educated as an accountant, my checkbook always balances.  I also have shortcomings.  I have no visual sense whatsoever, and it’s close to impossible for me to keep my surroundings neat.  Accept that I have those shortcomings, and value my skills; I’ll do the same for you.

Finally, sex isn’t as important to me now as it was thirty-five years ago, but I still want some.  I can get friendship from men.  I’m not, however, interested in any sort of physical affection with other men.  It doesn’t make any sense to me to be fathering children now, but I do desire physical affection, including sex itself.  The hugging, kissing, cuddling, and sex itself are the one thing that you can provide that a man can’t.  It’s a lot of work for a man to have a romantic relationship with a woman, as, I’m sure, it’s a lot of work for a woman to have a romantic relationship.  It’s only worth it to me if the physical affection is there, and that includes sex.  If you don’t accept that, don’t bother.