How To Bring Emotional Intimacy Back to a Relationship After it Died

How to Bring Emotional Intimacy Back to a Relationship After it DiedBefore emotional intimacy comes back to a relationship, the basics of love should be discussed.  Was there true emotional connection to begin with, what do people really understand about emotions, and the most important question of all, what is love?

Everyone experiences love differently and has various thermostats to gauge love. One might describe love as the affection toward another person, an admiration, a state of mind, but my favorite is unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another (

Love has a language of its own with various dialects. Oftentimes two people do really love each other, but they don’t understand that they are vibrating at different frequencies and speaking different love languages. Love takes patience, compassion, dedication, time, effort, perseverance, nurturing, honesty, and an awareness of your own inner being and forgiveness. It’s a choice, hence a decision to fulfill a commitment in a bond between two people.

The love energy can’t be denied since it’s a natural emotional need that has to be met, at the end of the day everyone wants to be loved, accepted and understood.

When it comes to connection, what was the basis of that connection, was it just lust, emotions or true love? Have you ever observed anyone madly in love when they are just on Cloud 9 wearing those rose-colored glasses? They seem to glow from the state of love or the chemistry of their psychology of being in a chemically induced state. They seem to have a buffer or a filter to either see beyond their loved one’s flaws or not even see them at all. Lovers can talk all night until the sun rises; share revealing thoughts and experiences; go across country by train, plane, and a boat to see each other; act like little kids playing; and even when they are not physically together, you see them dazed out with a smile.

Wearing these rose-colored glasses can allow us to put our own worth and value behind the shades. Wearing these glasses puts us in a chemically induced state where our psychology makes it okay to accept things that are really not true (if brought out of the shade and held against what we truly value). On the other hand, it allows us to also see past the other flaws in our partner that may seem bothersome but not detrimental to the foundation of the relationship.

To bring in the emotional piece to love and relationships, do people really know how to interpret their own emotions let alone someone else’s? We grow up in a society where emotional health is not emphasized as being valued and important for our development; there’s emphasis on physical health, mental health, but when it comes it emotions, that’s often seen as “fairy tale”. Maybe the paradigm shift should happen now considering divorce rates are higher than the success of healthy marriages.

With any relationship, whether it’s business or personal love, there’s always an exchange of meaning and value. One way to determine what the other person values is to observe what drives their emotional response.

Our emotions allow us and others to tell what’s in our hearts; this means whatever you value and treasure is going to trigger an emotional response.

Here are a few examples:

  • If you treasure love, what would your emotional response be if you lost love?
  • If you treasure the security of money, what would your emotional response be if you lost your job, your business wasn’t growing, or you couldn’t cover your expenses?

Adults should watch the kid’s movie “Inside Out” to get a picture of how each emotion has a role in our lives.

So to bring back emotional intimacy to a relationship after it died, ask yourself what your/your partner’s definition of love is, what’s your and his/her love languages-dialects are, what was the connection based on and do you know how to interpret each others’ emotions? Part of the emotional intimacy is having this dialog of communicating.



5 Common Assumptions That Damage Your Relationship

Relationship Problems - 5 Common Assumptions That Damage Your RelationshipAs the saying goes “To assume makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.’” And there’s no place where this adage rings more true than in relationships. As you journey down the road from “me” to “us,” it’s easy for many assumptions to develop: some helpful, but some with the potential to cause problems between you and your partner. Sometimes they’re small assumptions like “He always takes the trash out and I always make coffee in the morning.” They can also be big assumptions, like “Spending time with our extended families is a priority.” But often the most harmful assumptions we make in a relationship are unilateral ideas about how we think the relationship—and our significant other—should be.

Many of these assumptions, if not examined, can unconsciously sabotage your ability to grow closer and enjoy each other’s company. So let’s explore five of the most common and potentially damaging assumptions. I hope that bringing these assumptions to light will help your relationship as much as it’s helped mine:

“Yes” is always better than “no.” I’m an extremely positive person, and so I tend to err on the side of saying “yes” before “no.” In many cases, this is a good strategy, because it makes you more open to new ideas, suggestions, and possibilities. But while this “say yes” outlook can be quite beneficial, it can also lead to problems if you don’t know how to use the “n” word when you need to. There are times when what your partner asks of you is something you just shouldn’t agree to. In those instances, you should feel confident enough to speak your mind. Your partner should respect that, and if he or she doesn’t, you might have a deeper problem to deal with.

Your partner can and should be able to read your mind. One of the most common relationship assumptions involves the expectation that your partner can read your mind. We all know this dynamic. Over time, you both assume that your significant other will be able to understand your needs or desires without your having to say them out loud. Then, if those unspoken needs aren’t met, you become offended. Well, I’m here to tell you that while it’s important to anticipate your partner’s desires to some degree, no one is a mind reader. Communicate your needs and expectations with words, not telepathy.  And expect your partner to do the same.

You should spend as much time as possible together. I often refer to relationships as “a journey from me to us,” because sharing your life with someone else requires surrendering part of your independence. But in doing so, you also have to value and protect each other’s personal time and space. One of the biggest mistakes that couples make is assuming that they have to do everything together. When we fail to create appropriate boundaries within a relationship we end up smothering each other. Each of you should maintain your own interests, hobbies, and time to yourselves. The space you give each other will help your relationship to breath and grow. You don’t have to be together every moment of every day.  Ask any retired couple.

There’s one true love. This is a tough one, because our culture—through movies, books, and television—teaches us that there is one true soul mate out there for each of us, a perfect person who will, as Jerry Maguire said, complete us. I’m a romantic at heart, but I don’t believe in the myth of one perfect “other.” This may be controversial, but I think that this common assumption puts too much pressure on your partner to fulfill your fantasy of perfection. The problem is that they will, at some point, fail to live up to your ideal image, and you will be stuck wondering whether you have chosen the wrong prince or princess. Discard this assumption and allow yourself to accept that your partner isn’t perfect, and your relationship shouldn’t depend on them being so.

Stick it out, no matter what. While I’m a big fan of sticking it out through hard times, there may come a time in any relationship when it’s best to cut your losses and move on—for the sake of both you and your partner. Some relationships aren’t built to last, and like a car or iPhone, have a limited life span. But for a variety of reasons—sense of loyalty, fear of hurting the other’s feelings, or just plain apathy—many couples hang on too long and drag each other down in the process. If you find yourself in this situation, have the wisdom to understand when a relationship has run its course and — if necessary — the courage to end it.